Goopy Paltrow is still crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala and she’ll keep crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala until it’s time for next year’s Met Gala, so she can crap at the mouth about it some more. We already know that Goopy would rather blow crack smoke up into the Mayor of Toronto’s ass than go to the Met Gala again, because she told everyone not once, but twice. But she didn’t say how much she hated the Met Gala in this week’s Goop.
Goopy talks about getting ready for the Met Gala and instead of writing, “I should’ve just worn a Hefty bag so I would’ve fit in with all the other trash there,” she sort of gushed about all the fashion. Goopy said before that everyone at the Met Gala was a little “too old to dress punk,” but in this week’s Goop she was farting out a different tune:
The Met Ball, at NYC’s Metropolitan Museum of Art, is always the year’s most elaborate display of incredible fashion and this year was no different. The theme was ‘Punk: Chaos to Couture’ and when the house of Valentino’s Pierpaolo Piccioli and Maria Grazia Chiuri asked me to join them, I was thrilled to see what they would create with my right fashion hand, Elizabeth Saltzman.
We got all inspired in the goop office about punk making a comeback through subtle influence and thus, we asked one of my absolute favorite websites, the most excellently curated SSENSE, to show us how we could work it into our spring/summer wardrobes.
In the parlor at the House of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour temporarily stopped sucking the youth out of a 12-year-old model’s mouth, picked up the phone, dialed the number to one of her minions and said, “You can tell every designer to un-blacklist that Goopy bitch now. Actually, wait a couple of days. My nips are getting hard just thinking about her getting kicked out Bergdorf’s. Blehehehehee.”
The rumor thatKanye West is letting Givenchy’s creative director RiccardoTiscipull up his leather kilt at the end of the night has been around for a while now, but I guess when you’re like Kim Kardashian and live in a fart bubble of narcissism, all non-Kardashian news never makes it into your ears. But after Kim wore a Givenchy sofa carcass to the Met Gala, some of her Twitter followers told her about the rumor that Kanye is gargling on the nutsack of the dude who designed her dress.
InTouch (via Radar) says that Kim’s followers told her that Kanye’s apartments in NYC and Paris are really close to Riccardo’s apartments, which totally means that they’re doing it. InTouch’s source says that Kanye does spend a lot of time in Paris with Riccardo, so Kim started freaking out.
“There are some facts Kim can’t deny. Kanye has spent her entire pregnancy living close to Riccardo in the French capital and Riccardo recently purchased an apartment less than half a mile from Kanye’s in NYC’s Soho neighborhood. Kanye is obsessed with Riccardo. They have a very deep bond. They spend a lot of time together at Kanye’s apartment.
Kim freaked out. If it turns out Kanye is involved with Riccardo, she will be utterly embarrassed — more so than she’s ever been in her life.”
Can I get a “BITCH, PLEASE“? If Kim hasn’t been embarrassed by her pimp mom, her plastic face, her fake wedding, her boring sex tape, her clothes and her entire existence, then I doubt this will embarrass her. Utterly. Kim doesn’t care if Kanye fucks men or fucks armadillos as long as he keeps her on the cover of every tabloid.
I just hope that if Kanye is involved with Riccardo that he properly moisturizes and lubes up that dry E.T. finger of his before they get into fingerbanging fun time.
As Chelsea Handler’s forehead vein explodes while she tries to figure out what in the fuck she’s going to say aboutthis, Brad Pitt released this statement of words. It’s best if you read it in his Chanel No. 5 voice, especially the “absolutely heroic” part.
“Having witnessed this decision firsthand, I find Angie’s choice, as well as so many others like her, absolutely heroic. I thank our medical team for their care and focus. All I want for is for her to have a long and healthy life, with myself and our children. This is a happy day for our family.”
But isn’t almost every day a happy day for Brad Pitt? He has millions of dollars, a cellar full of the finest good shit, locks full of grease that can double as peen lube, is always in the presence of Zahara’s signature up-eye and he’s usually stoned to infinity and beyond. So it’s an EXTRA happy day.
After reading Angie’s bold op-ed exposing her fight to prevent breast cancer, CNN’s Early Start host ZoraidaSambolin has gone public about her own struggle with breast cancer and plans for a double mastectomy on the national morning show.
Zoraida announced:
“For a while I have been struggling because I was diagnosed with breast cancer about three weeks ago and I was trying to figure out how do I share this story, how do I tell the viewers that I’m going to be gone for a while, because I have chosen to have a double mastectomy. AngelinaJolie’s story really hit home.”
WOW.
While the talk show host hasn’t been tested for the BRCA1 gene like Angie, she already has plans to have the test in order to encourage more to take control of their health!
After such an immediate positive reaction, we’re hopeful the Hollywood heavyweight’s fearlessness will save MANY lives.
It’s no wonder you can’t say “Angelina” without “angel!” LOLz!!!
Ch-ch-check out the TV journalist explain her decision to undergo the surgery (below)!!
Somewhere in Reno, NV, a casino is missing most of its carpet, because Beyonce wore it last night to the Met Gala in NYC. Beyonce was one of the last to show up, so the stairs were pretty much clear for the empress of her own world to glide to the top while looking like the Hot Wheels logo and Ed Hardy’s bowels exploded all over her. This baroque ass mess looks like it fell out of House of Dereon’s b-hole, but it was actually made by Givenchy who are also responsible for Kim Kartrashian’s curb couch mess of a dress.
Beyonce got all of the attention for looking like a bedspread from Liberace’s guest room, but all of the attention should’ve gone to her dedicated dandy-in-waiting. Ty Hunter is Beyonce’s stylist and he followed her all around the red carpet and made sure the train on her train wreck of a dress was sprawled out perfectly. The Basquiat-looking beauty in sparkly pants has more restraint than I do, because he could’ve easily yanked that train a little too hard, but he held it together and let a less glamorous queen than him get all the attention. It’s a damn shame, because he should be the one standing on top of the stairs like a regal bitch.
And Basement Baby was also there last night looking like Coffy in the Tropics.
The years of The Simple Life are only a fond, distant memory now, but Nicole Richie proved that she’s as adorably sassy as ever in her new web series, Candidly Nicole!
In the first installment of the hot mama‘s online minisodes, the fashionista tries to remove her worst accessory— her trampstamp.
But the process of laser removal is a loooonnnng and grueling one that many can’t handle, no matter how bad their ink may be.
So did the feisty cutie go through with removing her butt crack’s holy decoration??!
