I don’t know if this is some HIGH ART shit that belongs in the Whitney Biennial or just shit.
You better lay your best church outfit on the bed before hitting play, because this mess will make you want to run to Sunday mass to cleanse your eyes and ears in the largest vat of holy water. Tan Mom shat out a video for her song, “It’s Tan Mom,” and it’ll scar all of your senses. After watching the entire thing, my eyeballs broke out into a heat rash, I suffered from temporary heat stroke and all I wanted to do was lie naked in a bath tub full of ice cubes and bleach (which is what I’m sure all of the shameless gays in this mess did after the shoot). I just want to smear aloe vera all over my eyeballs, because it burns. This mess of a video is pretty much what the inside of my head looks like after I’ve been tanning while getting drunk on peach wine coolers all day.
Let me try to say a few nice things about this wreck…. Putting her face in the sun like the Teletubbies baby was a stroke of artistic genius. Kanye wishes he came up with that. And well, at least Tan Mom lip-synchs better than Brit Brit.
Earlier today, I wrote about how internet star Kai the HatchetWieldingHitchhiker chopped off all his hair and went on the run after he allegedly beat a dude to death in New Jersey. Kai didn’t get that far. The police caught his ass at a bus station in Philadelphia and are sending him back to New Jersey where he’ll be charged for murder. His bail was set at million and you know somebody’s going to start a Kickstarter to bail his ass out, because bitches start a Kickstarter for everything.
The police told AP that Kai met the man he allegedly murdered, 73-year-old Joseph Galfy Jr., in Times Square on Saturday night. Joseph brought Kai back to his house and two days later he was dead. One day after the police found Joseph Galfy’s body, Kai wrote this on Facebook:
what would you do if you woke up with a groggy head, metallic taste in your mouth, in a strangers house… walked to the mirror and seen come dripping from the side of your face from your mouth, and started wretching, realizing that someone had drugged, raped, and blown their fuckin load in you? what would you do?
Well, I’d probably just, I don’t know, call the fucking police or at least call Mariska Hargitay or something. But if Kai is telling the truth up there, then I guess we know how he handled it. And Shaun White should jumpstart his acting career by playing Kai in the Law & Order: SVU episode based on this.
During an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to JFK, the spirit of Whitney Houston took over the body of a passenger who couldn’t stop singingDolly Parton’s “I Will AlwaysLove You (in the style of Nippy).” Another passenger told CNN that the song “I Will Always Love You” is forever embedded deep into their brain, because Nippy 2.0 would not stop telling the entire plane through song that she loved them. Nippy 2.0 did not stop spitting out tattered musical notes from her mouth and it got so annoying that they had to stop in Kansas City to hand her over to the police. (Note to self: If I’m ever on a flight from LAX to JFK and want to eat some Kansas City ribs, just start singing some Whitney Houston shit until they escort me off the plane.)
A rep for the Kansas City International Airport told CNN, “The passenger was detained, not arrested, and then released pending further investigation by the TSA (Transportation Safety Administration) and federal air marshals. I can confirm that she was singing ‘I Will Always Love You’ as she was escorted off the plane.”
The rep didn’t say if the passenger went full Whitney by screaming “BOBAAAAAAY B” in the hallways before asking hos to pop her doody bubble.
The passenger told authorities that she has diabetes and that’s why she freaked out. If you’re side-eyeing that “diabetes” excuse, let me side-eye you right back. Because one time my grandmother’s blood sugar levels got low and she opened the kitchen cabinets and started throwing food everywhere. So it happens.
And since when can you not take pictures on the plane? When a plane makes an emergency landing in Kansas City because a mile high songbird won’t stop belting out a Dolly Parton song, everyone’s going to pull out their phones to document it. Doesn’t that flight attendant know what world she lives in?
We closed our eyes, and we could think of no one better suited to suit up as Finnick Odair, the male victor from District 4 who swoops swims in and befriends Katniss during their new adventure in Catching Fire.
Sadly, that dream never came to pass — do us proud, Sam Clafin — but over the weekend, we got to see what could’ve been when Trevor ran into Jennifer Lawrence in the Green Room this weekend at the 2013 GLAADAwards. Not only did the pair share a few minutes, but they also rubbed elbows with President Bill Clinton and Leonardo DiCaprio, the latter of which being a fellow client of this year’s Stephen L Kolzak Award recipient, Attorney Steve Warren.
Such star power!
Well, Trevie. Maybe you didn’t get the chance to wield a trident while pairing your perfect pecs along side Jennifer … but if you still wanted to do that on your free time, we’d be happy to watch!
Every university’s holocaust studies class can stop arguing the question “AnneFrank a Belieber: yay or oy vay?” because her stepsister has finally spoken. The Telegraph asked Anne’s childhood friend and stepsister Eva Schloss what she thinks about the Biebs leaving the comment “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber” in the guest book of the Anne Frank Museum. Eva said this:
“It’s so childish. She probably would have been a fan. Why not? He’s a young man and she was a young girl, and she liked film stars and music. They make a lot of fuss about everything that is connected with Anne Frank.”
One of two things is happening here:
1. Eva is not about to throw herself against the slobbery wrath of the crazed Beliebers and she doesn’t want to be woken up at night by those crazy babies calling her to threateningly goo goo ga ga at her over the phone. So she played it safe and stayed on the good side of the Beliebers.
2. Eva is defending the yodeling fetus, because she’s the one who’s a Belieber. Anne Frank totally would’ve been a Directioner, so she and Eva would’ve hated each other.
And I guess this means that the words “…would have been a Belieber” will be chiseled into Anne Frank’s gravestone now.
In “fuckery you just can’t make up” news, JustinBieberand some of his friends visited the AnneFrank House in Amsterdam last night and not only did the shit-brained fetus keep his sunglasses on in the museum (picture above), but he also vomited up pieces of his ego all over the museum’s guestbook. After learning that Anne Frank hid in the attic for two years and was eventually captured by the Nazis and died in a concentration camp, the only question the Biebs asked was, “I wonder if she would’ve been a Belieber?” Out of everything, that’s what he got out of the Anne Frank Museum. I just…. I don’t…. I mean… I CAN’T!
Yesterday night Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House, together with his friends and guards. Fans were waiting outside to see a glimpse of him. He stayed more than an hour in the museum. In our guestbook he wrote: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” Tonight Bieber will give a concert in Arnhem in the Netherlands.
Please, everybody knows that Anne Frank would’ve been a One Direction fan.
Another sad part of this is that the Beliebers probably don’t even know who Anne Frank is and they’re going to start sending her death threats on Twitter, because he gave her a shout out instead of them.
And Justin Bieber accomplished the impossible by managing to out-Bieber himself.