The Silver Fox is in Cleveland right now to cover the horrifying case of three (and possibly four or more) women who were kidnapped and help captive in a basement for a decade, and yesterday he talked to America’s new favorite storyteller and the women’s rescuer: Charles Ramsey.
Charles basically told AndersonCooper the same thing he told other reporters. He never saw Amanda Berry before he rescued her and he never knew that the neighbors he had ribs with and listened to salsa music with was a fucked up psychopath. Charles, who is new to the neighborhood, says that at first he thought Amanda Berry was part of a domestic dispute, but he quickly realized that something in the milk was fucked up and he had to help her. Charles also said that the 911 operator acted like a moron (I co-sign) and he waved away all talk of getting a reward. Charles pulled out his paycheck stub and told his new bro, Anderson Cooper, that he’s got a job and any reward money should go to the victims.
Okay, who’s going to start a Kickstarter to get science to clone Charles Ramsey? There’s more than 10 members of the Kartrashian Klan, so we have to clone fast. And we have to keep cloning until we’re living in a world where there’s more Ramseys than Kartrashians.
When the Silver Fox asked Charles Ramsey if he feels like a hero, he said:
“No, no, no. Bro, I’m a Christian, an American, and just like you. We bleed same blood, put our pants on the same way. It’s just that you got to put that – being a coward, and I don’t want to get in nobody’s business. You got to put that away for a minute.”
Charles has gotten two things wrong: Yes, he’s a hero and no, he doesn’t bleed the same blood as the Silver Fox. If Charles said that to you or me, he’d be right. But Anderson Cooper bleeds liquefied silver rainbows and he doesn’t even put his own pants on. When he pulls himself out of his bed of clouds in the morning, tiny elves on scaffolding build a pair of pants made of diamond fabric right onto his legs. But other than that, Charles Ramsey speaks the real truth.
The Hangover Part III doesn’t even come up until the end of the month, but on Saturday Night Live last night, our beloved Wolf Pack reunited EARLY! And in the most INCREDIBLY RANDOM and HIGHlarious fashion ever!
During the Zach Galifianakis-hosted episode of the long-running sketch comedy series, Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms showed up to beat out their co-star in a Jennifer Aniston look-alike contest, and between the various versions of the iconic ‘Rachel-haircut,’ the multiple off-color references to Helen Keller, and the line “Also, who the hell is Ross?!” alone, this one is NOT to be missed!
Ch-ch-check it out (above), as well as Zach’s equally AH-MAY-ZING opening monologue…AFTER THE JUMP!!!
Jeffrey is probably thinking to himself, “Wait, you’re not Batman. Doesn’t Batman usually do this?” Jeffrey didn’t get Batman, but he did get Bradley Cooper in his favorite church suit. That really is B. Coop’s favorite church suit, because he wore it to the interfaith service for the victims in Boston yesterday. I’m sure Jeffrey will get a visit from Batman any second now, because like B. Coop, Christian Bale is in Boston to film David O. Russell’sAbscam movie.
And I’m surprised that B. Coop didn’t make this visit extra, extra special by getting another snail shell perm beforehand. Yes, this picture definitely needs more B. Coop curls.
Deadline said last night that NBC had a meeting with AndersonCooper about getting up at the walk of shame hour (aka like 3am) to co-host Today and he was into it. NBC wants The Silver Fox to replace Matt Lauer by the end of the year. When the executives at NBC asked Matt what he thought about the Silver Fox replacing him, he pretty much took three shits on that idea and then he personally called Anderson Cooper and took another three shits on that idea. Deadline’s source said that Anderson was sort of shocked by Matt whining about how he doesn’t want him to take the job, because he thought Matt was in on the replacement discussions from the start. But….
TMZ is hearing some different crap. They’re hearing that Matt never called Anderson and that Matt is actually into the idea of Anderson replacing his smug ass. Matt even wants to talk to Anderson face-to-face about the job.
The good news is that I lost about 0.0004 pounds from all the eye rolling calisthenics I did while reading that story at TMZ. I totally believe that Matt farted all over The Silver Fox’s parade and I totally believe that Matt Liar called TMZ and told them he didn’t.
Nobody wants Matt Lauer, but apparently everybody wants Anderson Cooper. Not only is NBC trying to get a piece of his ass, but he also shot a pilot with Kathy Griffin for CNN.
I am totally into Anderson Cooper replacing Matt Lauer and I am totally into his CNN show with Kathy Griffin, but only if they replace Decatur Guthrie (or whatever her name is) with Grumpy Cat and replace Kathy Griffin with….Grumpy Cat. What I’m saying is that The Silver Fox and Grumpy Cat should be cloned so they can host everything together.
Padma was co-hosting with Anderson at the time when it went down, and we have the footage! Honestly, we have no idea what the thing is, even though we don’t really believe in bigfoot! It’s GOTTA be a hoax!
If it is, it’s pretty elaborate!
Watch the insanity (above)! You won’t be disappointed!