While some “stars” are posing on the Cannes red carpet in ,000 designer gowns and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Chopard something-other-than-Chopard jooree, the true star of Hollywood posed in the doorway of a builder grade red bathroom while wearing exquisite lucite heels, the finest gown from Windsor Fashions and a stuffed animal stole. You can always count on CourtneyStodden to remind us how a real classy jewel of Hollywood does it.
Believe it or not, posing in the doorway of a bathroom in West Hollywood isn’t the sexiest thing Courtney has done lately. The porn iguana tells E! that Backdoor Farrah isn’t the only talentless, plastic fame whore who has spread her Arby’s roast beef special in front of a camera. Courtney says that she made a solo sex tape and she plans to keep it private, which is why she’s talking about it to E!.
The tape, Stodden tells us at the Shekhar Rahate fashion show in Los Angeles Thursday, is “not out in the media” nor is it on her computer, and she advises wannabe hackers not to get their hopes up.
“Hackers, don’t even go there cause you’ll find nothing,” Doug Hutchison’s wife tells us about poking around her computer. As for what’s on the tape, it’s “just me,” she claims, adding that it wasn’t shot too long ago. “I turned 18 in August, so you do the math.”
The buxom blonde declined to give any more details—”I don’t want to put any images in people’s mind; I’m gonna leave it up to you guys to think what you want”—but insisted she has no plans to release it. “No, this is personal,” she says.
Courtney has truly underestimated the hackers, because I have EXCLUSIVO footage from her solo sex tape:
I know, it was wrong of me to post that. My apologies to the iguana in the solo sex tape above for comparing him to Courtney Stodden. No iguana deserves that.
And here’s Courtney putting the “old” and “ho” in old Hollywood during her bathroom doorway photo shoot last night. A slow clap for the mortician at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for doing their best work on Courtney’s face.
A blow-up doll factory in China sees CourtneyStodden as their finest and greatest creation, but I guess she figures that you can always perfect perfection. Because yesterday, Courtney and her pimp mom Krista had lunch with hot plasticsurgeon type Dr. Tim Neavins at Lisa Vanderpump’s restaurant Villa Blanca in Beverly Hills. When choosing a plastic surgeon, you should always choose one that looks like he can easily work as a Don Draper/Superman impersonator/stripper on the weekends.
I don’t know why the porn iguana met with Dr. McHotStubble since she’s already an exquisitely crafted art piece of demure perfection. Maybe she was meeting with that hot doctor, because she wants him to surgically remove a lumpy, pus-filled growth named Doug Hutchison from her life.
Or maybe Dr. McHotStubble wanted to meet with Courtney, because hundreds of patients come to him and tell them that they want to look just like her, so he needed to see her up close for himself. Dr. Neavins will now have to tell his patients that it’s impossible to duplicate such perfection.
Here’s Courtney Stodden gracefully getting into a car and showing all of that covering your chest with four droopy padded-bras and half-melted cutlets will make your tits look like two saggy Whoopee cushions filled with tapioca pudding. Droopy tits will be all the rage this year because of the porn iguana.
Playboy apparently refused to put CourtneyStodden on their cover when she turned 18 in human years, because they already fulfilled their charitable obligation to messes by putting Lindsay Lohan on the cover and they weren’t looking to grow readership in the lizard fetishists demographic. But what’s Playboy’s loss is Girls & Corpses’ gain! When Hugh Hefner sees Girls & Corpses Magazine he’s going to spit out the lukewarm tapioca pudding his latest wife just fed him, pull off his house slipper and slap down the dumb trick who kept the exquisite porn iguana off of his magazine.
For their Spring issue, Girls & Corpses put Courtney Stodden (front) and an unnamed corpse (back) on their cover. It must’ve been nice for Courtney to pose with a corpse that’s more dead inside than she is and not as creepy as her gross husband Doug Hutchison. Since Courtney is married to Doug, she can say that a paper mache corpse made of used toilet paper and scabs isn’t the most disgusting thing that has touched her crotch.
And today the cover of Girls & Corpses, tomorrow the cover of Vogue! Isn’t that what they always say?
And here’s the porn iguana inhaling meth-laced baby carrots and wishing all of us a Hoppy Easter. Yes, Jesus came back to life for this. Hoppy Easter, I guess. But I really don’t want to know where her crusty oatmeal-faced husband hid his eggs this year. No.