WOW! We hate that this is even a debate we’re having in our head right now, but we can’t help it!
What was the most exciting aspect of Saturday Night Live last night?
Adam Levine showing off his deliciously seksi and tattoo’d pecs…or the much-anticipated, long-awaited, Digital Short return of Andy Samberg and The Lonely Island?!
Whatever! Obviously, last night was a WIN/WIN for the sketch comedy series!
But don’t take our word for it!
Just check out all of the glory from the Maroon5 frontman’s opening monologue, during which he receives some Voice-inspired “coaching” from the aforementioned SNL alum, Cameron Diaz and Jerry Seinfeld (above) as well as an explanation as to why he was dressed as a hobo last week with the HIGHlarious “YOLO” song also featuring Kendrick Lamar; the AH-MAY-ZING Catfish sketch; and what would happen if The Sopranos took a page out of The Carrie Diaries format…AFTER THE JUMP!!!
Cameron Diaz is single, hops from dude to dude and spends her money on booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube and booze that doubles as pussy lube. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we don’t see any problems with this. But I guess Cameron Diaz wants to grow as a person or whatever, so she’s asked GOOPY Paltrow to be her life coach, because if anybody knows how to rid the shit from your life, it’s her. GOOPY Paltrow is practically a human colonic. Also, when you ask GOOPY to be your life coach, be prepared to escort “Fun” to your front door and hug it while saying, “Fun, I probably won’t see you for a while, but it’s been you. Try not to have too much YOU without me. Bye, girl.“
The Sun says that Cameron thinks she’s having some kind of mid-life crisis, so she asked GOOPY to sort her life out. GOOPY showed up to Cameron’s house and after she poured all the booze into the sink and threw away all the bottles of pussy lube, she put a CLOSED sign over Cameron’s sex parts. GOOPY banished the dick from Cameron’s cooch for a full year. The source put the sad news like this:
“Gwyneth’s sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus.”
Having seen The Green Hornet, I know that Cameron makes a lot of bad decisions and maybe she should settle down a bit, but taking a sabbatical from peen for a whole year?! How in the hell is that going to help her to focus? That’s going to make things worse. When Cameron is chanting with the Dalai Lama and GOOP in the mountains of Thailand, it’s going to be really awkward when she stops OM-ing to ask one of the monks if he wants to go behind a rock for a quickie since she hasn’t been laid in 6 months and her coochie has gone into starvation mode. When Cameron is training with Tracy Anderson, it’s going to really ruin their workout when she starts humping one of Tracy’s arms since Tracy’s arm looks like an extra veiny dick shaft. Any doctor will tell you that quitting dick cold turkey is not recommended. You have to wean off the peen.
Just look at me, I have involuntarily quit the dick and it took me 20 minutes to write that last sentence, because I was too distracted with window shopping for uncut peen on Google Images.
Dlisted – Be Very Afraid
Open up, because here’s a pearl of wisdom straight from the mound of infinite knowledge in Cameron Diaz’s head. In an interview with The Sunday Times (via Gossip Cop), the official spokesperson for all women said that if you’ve got a chocha, you want men to look at you like a walking pair of tits and nothing more.
“I think every woman does want to be objectified. There’s a little part of you at all times that hopes to be somewhat objectified, and I think it’s healthy,” the actress tells the paper.
“[Photo shoots are] empowering. I’m not some young girl with the photographer going, ‘Will you take your clothes off?’ I’m like [mimes stripping], ‘How does this look?’ They’re like, ‘Today we’re not going to put anything other than bras and heels on you,’ and I’m like, ‘These heels are not high enough.’”
I’m a woman, I know how to handle myself. I know what I feel comfortable doing and I know my sexuality.”
Hey, don’t blame it on the weed! Cameron spent a lot of time sucking on A-Rod’s roid rod, so you know that fucked with brains. But seriously, as soon as Cameron finishes writing the foreword for Gloria Steinem’s next book (because Gloria Steinem is totally going to ask her), she should have an open debate on feminism with fellow philosopher Megan Fox. I mean, they are the foremost voices for ALL women’s issues.
(Pic via Esquire)
Dlisted – Be Very Afraid
Six seconds after this picture was taken, Cameron Diaz drunkenly slurred into Robert Pattinson’s ear, “So are you going to Pattzin’ up my bubbly by dipping your sparkle rod in my flute or what?”
UsWeekly says that DiGiorno-faced Cameron Diaz tried to get into Robert Pattinson’s panties at LACMA’s Art + Film Gala in L.A. on October 27th. RPattz, seen below at Jimmy Kimmel Live last night, is apparently back with Kristen Stewart, but that didn’t stop horny ass Cammy from trying to get a chance to viciously hump the unicorns out of his hair. Some source says that Cameron went hard, “She was pretty obvious. Cam was seated next to Rob at dinner. She was touching his arm, doing her big Cameron laugh at everything he said and trying really hard. He was polite, but not having it.”
Cameron, you simple ho, that’s not how you make the sparkles on RPattz’s peen twinkle something extra. If you want to lure RPattz in, you have to sulk in the corner and when you’re not chewing on the plastic leaves on the fake ficus tree next to you, you should mumble about how you hate life and everything in it. Whenever somebody tries to talk to you, hiss at them with your eyes and then blankly stare off into the distance like a slow dyslexic sloth trying to sing the alphabet backwards. RPattz will slowly start looking your own way and then cinch the deal by letting a married director hump your butt. BOOM. Before you know it, you’ll be pulling fiber optic pubes out of your mouth while giving RPattz a beej in the men’s bathroom.
Or Cameron can get RPattz by topping the deal he has with Kristen Stewart during the next FCB (Fake Celebrity Boyfriend) Draft.
Dlisted – Be Very Afraid
Hello there, beautiful!
Cameron Diaz lounges prettily on the December cover of Elle UK.
The actress wore a Chanel Resort dress, previously seen on Emma Stone, as a nod to the holiday season.
Cam is totally giving off the “what this old thing?” look in the shot, which fits her personality to a ‘T’.
What do U think of the cover?
[Image via David Slijper/Elle UK.]
Cameron Diaz got her shop on at Stella McCartney in New York City on Tuesday looking like a tall drink of
To browse the racks in SoHo, the Bad Teacher wore jean shorts, a white top, beige blazer, cute yellow kicks and a very yellow Reed Krakoff bag.
This is such a summery and chic way to shop. We like!
[Images via Santiago Baez/Ramey Pix.]