If your eyeballs haven’t turned into stone balls from staring deep intoSarahJessicaParker’s crotch (“I haven’t even stared at the Crotch of Sauron” – MatthewBroderick), then slow clap for her Iggy Pop-looking ass, because she took the night’s theme of “punk” and galloped away with it. She looks like vomit and diarrhea from a punk sprayed against a velvet plaid sofa and that headpiece looks like a fancy horse’s idea of a mohawk. Spartacus just wants to hop on her back and together they’ll lead the slave uprising against the Roman Republic! Bitch went hard, looks a wreck and I love it.
And here’s pictures just 1/100th of the bitches who showed up to the Met Ball tonight and completely pulled an opposite SJP by ignoring the theme. In order: Kate Upton (didn’t try), Jennifer Lawrence (didn’t try), Gavin Rossdale (semi-tried), Gwen Stefani (probably tried but gave up and threw napkins on her bod instead), Carey Mulligan (didn’t try), JLo (didn’t try, should’ve been escorted to the exit), Kristen Stewart (semi-tried, because looking like an embroidered used tampon is sort of punk rock), Katy Perry (um, how dare she wear Pope Eggs Benedict’s favorite drag party outfit) and the Queen of the Death Eaters.
But the gusty, intermittent rainfall didn’t seem to deter the married couple, as they seemed to be completely focused on each other rather than the less-than-stellar physical atmosphere.
Ch-ch-check out some more snaps of their damp sidewalk adventure (below)! Looks like she brought the umbrella out after all!
Right after her second baby came out of her body, JessicaAlba wanted her stomach to be as flat as her acting skills again, so she wrapped two girdles around her body and suffocated her stomach night and day for threemonths straight. MiserAlba was extra MiserAlba. Yes, her internal organs are shaped like crepes now and she had to scrape the girdle butter off her torso every night, but at least she’s got a flat stomach again! MiserAlba told Net-a-Porter:
“It was brutal; it’s not for everyone. I wore a doublecorset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.”
A double corset night and day? Does that mean ho even wore that rib crusher when she was doing fuck times with her man? Trying to get off while your organs are getting crushed and you’re trying to breathe does not sound like a good time. Just thinking about that crap makes me want to rub my gut while eating a Popeye’s drumstick dipped in mashed potatoes and gravy. Bitch is crazy. But really, we all know that the only thing she had wrapped around her stomach were bandages after getting a tummy tuck lipo special.
Hold up, are we forgetting about the Chicken of the Sea Tuna/Chicken confusion?! HA!
Jessica Simpson‘s former brother-in-law Pete Wentz was recently asked about the blonde bombshell’s alleged ditziness…
But rather than confirm suspicions that Jessica is a sweet, sexy simpleton with brilliant hair, the Fall Out Boyrocker offered up a VERY interesting opinion!
“She’s got a multi-billion dollar company. I think she’s a secretgenius.”
Fair enough!
And honestly, we’ve never been a huge fan of the blonde-idiot stereotype (or any stereotypes for that matter) and Jessica’s numerous life successes prove that girl has at least SOME brainz!
Not quite sure we’d take it as far as calling her a genius though… LOLz!
