Like the ten million people before him who have asked a celebrity to go to an important life event with them, Jake Davidson of CA (oh, CA) made a YouTube video where he asked boner maker Kate Upton to go to his high school senior prom with him. The video went viral and Jake ended up talking to Kate on the Today show. Kate said the video was very “sweet” and she’d have to “check her schedule” to see if she can go. Usually, when somebody spits out the “I have to check my schedule” line, it means that they have checked their schedule and on that date they are doing anything (examples: pluck ass hairs out one by one, have a staring contest with a wall, live-tweet that 8-hour long Imitation of Christ movie, etc…etc..) but going out with you.
Kate told Jake that she couldn’t go to prom him with and just as dozens of teen boners broke and filled with sadness, 21-year-old newbie Sports Illustrated modelNina Agdal popped up and said she’d go with him. Inside Edition set up the date and Jake said that he loves Nina’s Carl’s Jr. commercial and is one of her fans (in other words, we all know what that means). Here’s a video of Jake and the dutch model’s prom date in Santa Monica, CA. CAUTION: Severe awkwardness ahead:
A few observations… DAMN that boy is nervous. I wouldn’t call you a liar if you told me that he shat in his chonies at least 4 times during that video, because he looks like a bareback bottom slut awaiting his HIV results. Second, did she just ride with him in the limo, dance with him for a few seconds in the parking lot of the venue and then bounce out of that bitch? Nina’s like, “I have to leave now! Prom is over!” and it’s still light out. What in the hell kind of prom ends when it’s still light out? Was it an Amish prom? She probably only signed up for one limo ride and an awkward dance in the parking lot.
Meanwhile, Jake is probably the only one at prom who didn’t get any that night.
Author Joan Alison Smith has written a new book, The Public Woman, in which she scathingly discusses both Kate and the late PrincessDiana’s roles in the public eye.
Of the Duchess of Cambridge, she writes:
“By the age of 30, the new Duchess of Cambridge had done little since leaving university except play a supporting role to her boyfriend, marry him with great pomp and ceremony and get pregnant. She had never really enjoyed an independent identity or income—even her clothes were paid for by her father-in-law—and didn’t seem to aspire to either.”
According to Joan, Prince William’s wife is known “not for her achievements but her willingness to play the most traditional feminine role of all: waiting for a husband, getting married and not long afterwards becoming pregnant.”
What’s more, she writes that Princess Diana “made catastrophic choices about men and showed not a glimmer of insight into why her relationships kept going wrong. Diana exemplifies a species of female narcissism which is repeatedly misread in popular culture, glamourizing stunted ambition—wanting fame and admiration—and erasing any requirement for personal responsibility.”
Wow. Talk about harsh!! It might be time to retract the claws, Joan!
Kate Middleton already has the crown jewels on lock, but gurl is committed to going the extra mile to make her man happy …even when she’s pregnant!
According to royal sources, Kate has been taking cooking lessons from new housekeeper Antonella Fresolone.
NellaNellz made a name for herself during her 13-year adventure at Buckingham Palace, garnering a reputation for her delicious Italian cooking, including her homemade pastas and freshly baked breads.
Wanting that goodness all to themselves, Kate and PrinceWilliam hired her about three weeks ago. And so far, she and Kate have been having a ball in the kitchen, with Kate learning an assortment of new dishes to make for her hubby in their cozy Nottingham Cottage.
Phoebe Price’s team of high-powered lawyers are filing a trademark-infringement lawsuit against American Vogue right now for calling KateUptonthe “hottest supermodel on Earth.” Hell, I think Earth is going to also sue Vogue for slander, because this is a lie and this is how fraudulent rumors get started! But other than that, I like the cover, but only because Kate’s brows look like a delicious Sunday afternoon snack.
Those brows look like two trays of seven-layer dip. She’s got them frijoles brows. Underneath that thick layer of baked refried beans are layers of cheese, guacamole, salsa, sour cream and another layer of refried beans. I just want to stick a tortilla chip in them.
But now that I look at them closer… They’re so thick that they kind of look like dog poop brows. Ugh. Put the tortilla chips away. Why do my eyes and trash brain have to ruin everything?
Getting boozed up is a nightly activity for KateMossand sometimes it gets boring, so she has to spice it up a bit. Last night she spiced it up by getting drunk while lookinglike she rolled around on the pile of dirty clothes in the Dynasty costume closet. Kate got Sammy Jo’d up for publicist Fran Cutler’s 80s-themed birthday party in London last night.
You’re doing glamour right when you look like you reek of Oleg Cassini perfume and are always asking people if they have a spare Virginia Slim. Kate probably lives for an 80s-themed birthday party, because she can openly pour her entire stash of coke on the mirrored coffee table and drop her face on top of it. Bitches can’t give her shit, because it’s part of the theme!
And here’s some EXCLUSIVE video of Kate dancing at the party:
I know, Kate wishes she had moves like that. Is the saxophone powering Sammy Jo’s moves or are Sammy Jo’s moves powering the saxophone. That is the question. And I’m wrong for comparing Kate to Alexis Carrington and Sammy Jo, because those two would never change into a t-shirt during a party. How dreadful.