In her 5,902,487th interview of the month, GoopyPaltrow tells USA Today that she knows the stick shoved up her ass is a “lightning rod” and people constantly “project a lot of stuff” onto her. She doesn’t ready any of that stuff, because it’s none of her business. Goopy gets that people think she’s too privileged, but she’s just a woman with real problems. Goopy’s not perfect and she has suffered in her life. Goopy does have a point. I mean, one time her laundress used Palmolive to wash her 22k white gold thread sheets. Goopy didn’t know about it until she had already used those sheets. She spent hours scrubbing the average out of her pristine skin with a sponge made from the fur of a wild baby boar. That is SUFFERING!
When Goopy started complaining about how tired she is, USA Today’s writer stroked the softest parts of her ego a bit by asking her how is it possible for her to look so fresh the morning after the Met Gala? Goopy spat this out:
“Are you crazy? I’m likeRuPaul! I have so much makeup on. Foundation! Last night, I was literally a transvestite.”
Either English professor Rachel Zoe taught Gwyneth Paltrow what the definition of “literally” is or she’s trying to tell us that she’s got a flaccid, pasty, pencil dick hanging between her legs. Whatever the case may be, she’s offending “transvestites” everywhere, because no transvestite I’ve seen would ever go outside looking that bland, basic and boring.
And I have only one response to her “I’m like RuPaul” comment:
Play it again, because that comment deserves a double slap.
Long before Anne Hathaway made me throat punch a pixie when she gave her “…it came true…” speech at the Oscars, I worshiped her as a rodeo princess turned platinum-haired ice cold businesswoman in Brokeback Mountain. Maybe that’s why I like her platinum Bieber circa 2010 ‘do. It’s what her Brokeback Mountain character would look like if she had a breakdown and took a kitchen knife to her hair while a cigarette dangled out of her mouth. It’s also what a Lord of the Ring elf would look like if she time traveled to the 60s.
Here’s more of blond-haired Anne with her Bashful Buzzard-looking ass husband at the Tate Americas Foundation Artists Dinner 2013 in NYC last night.
Someone posted (and then deleted) this clip on Facebook of AmandaBynes (or her impostor) twerking out on an elliptical in her flip-flops and waving her arms like a drowning T-rex. That seems about right. And I don’t know what this says about me, but the last time I was on an elliptical, I got so bored that I started waving my arms around like I had pom poms in them. I was listening to a Toni Basil song at the time. Sometimes you just gotta wave your damn arms to pass the time.