The parents of reality superstar Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson, who met in an on-line chatroom nine years ago, are finally getting hitched, and TLC cameras were down in McIntyre, Georgia, to capture every glorious moment!
According to the wedding invitation, “no cell phones, cameras, or outside video taping will be allowed.”
Even better?! All guests have been instructed to dress in COMPLETE redneck styles…AKA hot pink and/or camouflage!
In all honesty, we sincerely hope that today’s union is just as magical as every second that their family has given us on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo!
Beyonce, who?! MamaJune stepped out of her hotel in NYC last night and gave Pepsi the most important endorsement in the history of their brand. Pepsi can go ahead and rip up the five trillion dollar contract they with Beyonce and never hire another spokeswhore again, because it’ll never get better than this for them. If Pepsi’s good enough for Mama June to moisturize her luscious river of chins with, then it’s good enough to drink. (Truth talk: I’m still not going to drink that mess. Pepsi Cola tastes likeLana Del Rey’s pussy.)
Here’s more of the blonde bombshell of Georgia leaving her hotel last night and also pictures of her and Honey Boo Boo falling in love with ice cream yesterday afternoon.
12-year-old WillowSmith was supposed to star in a hip hop remake of Annie and they’ve been talking about it for months, but then last week it was announced that she whipped her hair right out of that shit. Will Smith’s production company said that the remake is still a go and Jay-Z is still doing the music for it, but Willow is out. Some figured that Willow was dropped from the movie for being too old. Will was at Temple University in Philadelphia this past weekend to speak at “Real Talk With Sister Souljah and Will Smith,” and he explained the real reason why Willow isn’t going to be Annie. Basically, Willow told Will to take the next exit off the ho stroll and stopactinglikePimp Mama Kris, Abby Lee and White Oprah:
“Willow was supposed to be doing ‘Annie,’ we got Jay-Z to do the movie, got the studio to come in and Willow had such a difficult time on tour with ‘Whip my Hair’ and she said, ‘You know Daddy, I don’t think so’ and I said, ‘Baby, hold up! I said no,no,no, listen, you’ll be in New York with all of your friends and Beyoncé will be there. You will be singing and dancing,’ and she looked at me and said, ‘Daddy, I have a better idea, how about I just be 12.’”
Now maybe Willow will be better at maths. But really, what 12-year-old outside of sitcoms and after-school specials say shit like, “How about I just be 12.” My guess is that Willow told Will that she didn’t want to be in that dumb shit and nobody wants a remake of Annie anyway. Willow Smith speaks for all of us, because we don’t want a remake of Annie, but we do want a sequel to Woo.
I know you’re probably wondering why I would put a picture of America’s sweet tart Mama June (on the left) next to a picture of Anna Nicole Smith in 1994. But believe it or not, that’s not a 1994 Anna Nicole Smith on the right, that’s the OTHER southern bombshell who makes grown men squirt buttermilk from their nipples. It’s the honey to my boo boo Mama June!
My favorite Georgia peach tellsTMZ that in 2 years she’s lost a total of 102 pounds, or approximately 11 and a half Glitzies. Mama June says that when they started filming the important American documentary HereComes Honey Boo Boo back in 2011, the number 365 would look back at her when she stepped on the scale. But now she weighs 263 pounds. Mama June didn’t lose two Olsens from cutting back on sketti sauce or stepping onto a treadmill, she lost the weight from just running around. Mama June said, “I haven’t done any surgeries … no diet pills … never went to the gym. but with the show I’ve been more active. They have me running around and going different places … I guess it’s paying off.”
If the chunk keeps dripping off of Mama June’s beautimous body the same way drool drips out of Honey Boo Boo Chile’s mouth when she thinks of canned cranberries, she’ll eventually lose her super stack of Pringles chin. I will miss Mama June’s Buche de Noel chin, but at least she’ll still have her Forklift Foot. Wait, when you lose weight, do your feet get skinnier? Because if they do, what are the gnats going to feed on?!
It looks likePimpMamaKris has renegotiated her kontract with her kreator Lucifer and will terrorize us for another year. Because Deadline says that after long negotiations (read: Illuminati rituals and sacrifices involving whatever is left of Bruce Jenner’s soul), Fox announced today that Pimp Mama Kris’ new talkshow called Kris (or as most of us will call it when it comes across our screens while we’re channel surfing, “HISS! HISS!“) will start testing in certain markets, like NYC and L.A., this summer. This makes me miss the days of quality daytime television like The Richard Bey Show.
Fox’s EVP of Development & Programming says that PMK’s Fun Time Hour of Whoring will feature interviews with celebrities and segments on beauty and fashion. He went on to say this:
“Listen, I had to give Pimp Mama Kris her own show or she was going to feed my children to Khloe.”
No, he said this instead:
“Whether offering real advice to her family or sharing personal moments with viewers, Kris is honest, compelling, entertaining, and unscripted – all excellent qualities for a daytime talk show host.
Wouldn’t be summer without at least one test, would it? In all seriousness, we go into this believing that if it works, the Kris Jenner program could really compliment what we’ve got going with Wendy, Bethenny, etc.”
“Kris is honest…. and unscripted?” Okay, yeah she totally threatened to feed his children to Khloe, because there’s no way he’d be able to say that without choking on a stream of laughs coming up his throat.
So my guess is that PMK’s talk show will open with her teaching viewers how to shoot and sell a porn starring your own daughter, then she’ll interview Kanye West’s asshole waxer and she’ll close the show by modeling thongs next to Kendall and Kylie. SANTO DIOS! What have we done to deserve this?
And I know that PMK is a minion of Satan, but the mother and tattoo artist who held down and tattooed a baby are even more evil than her. As far as I know, I don’t think PMK ever forcibly tattooed her kids (cut to Kendall showing off the letter K that PMK branded into her inner thigh).
On last night’s very special Halloween episode of HereComesHoney Boo Boo, MamaJune made SugarBear squirt out gallons of panty honey (or maybe, panty marannaise) when she dressed up likeMarilyn the Hutt. The 7 year itch has been scratched. Where was a queefing subway vent when we really, really needed one?