The Simpsons creator Matt Groening’s motherMargaret Ruth Groening (née Wiggum) died peacefully in her sleep on April 22nd in Portland. Margaret was the inspiration for MargeSimpson and I did not know this, but Matt named most of The Simpsons characters after members of his own family. Margaret’s obit reads like The Simpsons family tree.
Homer is the name of Matt’s father and Lisa and Maggie are the name of his sisters. Bart is an anagram of Brat and is supposedly based on Matt. His brother Mark didn’t make the cut. Even Patty was the name of one of Matt’s relatives. It makes me sad knowing that Patty died earlier this year. Because if she was anything like her character, I would’ve liked to bitch about life with her while trying to pick up pieces at the gay bar.
During an episode of The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, ChelseaHandlersaid that the only kind of little people that she wants to suck on her chichis are the ones who are fully grown adults named Chuy Bravo. Jennifer Aniston’s partner in boozery says that she is a wonderful mother to a bottle of Grey Goose, but she’d be a crap mother to a human baby who needs actual attention.
“I definitely don’t want to have kids. I don’t think I’d be a great mother. I don’t want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don’t have the time to raise a child.
Childhood was heartbreaking enough for anybody. I don’t know that I could handle my own child, especially if I had a girl, going through what I went through growing up. Not that it was so traumatic, but in many ways, it was in your own way.”
Chelsea would probably be the kind of mother who gives her kid whiskey when it screams too much, does lines off of its bald head when she’s breast feeding and when it cries out for her and she doesn’t want to deal with it, she’d give it a piece of salmon jerky in a blonde wig to cuddle with (it won’t know the difference). I don’t see the problem! That’s basically what White Oprah did with all of her kids and look how wonderful that turned out.
As more and more details emerge surrounding the lives of Boston Marathon bombing suspects Tamerlan and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, it appears that Russia may have had very good reason to ask the United States authorities to investigate the now-deceased older brother back in 2011…and explains why her mother, Zubeidat Tsarnaev, may be so adamant about denying her children’s involvement in the horrific acts of terrorism!
According to new reports, authorities in Russia recorded a conversation between Tamerlan and his mom “vaguely discussing” Jihad, and although there was no mention of attacking the United States, they did talk about him going to Pakistan to join up with militant groups!
Furthermore, Zubeidat was also revealed to be sending text messages about her son being “ready to die for Islam!”
Both were put into a database that aggregates those possibly affiliated with terrorism, and as it’s already been reported, further efforts to respond to Russia’s request for an investigation were left by the wayside after no follow-up information was provided!
Obviously, even with the concerns Russia uncovered back then, there was no way anyone could have anticipated what this young man would go on to do.
We just hope that the information authorities are uncovering now will help them to enact measures that can prevent tragedies like this one from occurring in the future.
And here’s some news that’ll make a CPS officer roll their eyes as they pull out a blank folder, grab a Sharpie and get themselves ready to write the name of HalleBerry’s future child on it. TMZ says that a 3-month-old boy fetus is baking in Halle Berry’s womb right now and her fiance Olivier Martinez is the father. End well: this isn’t.
Well, the good news is that every family law judge in L.A. knows that their job is safe for a few years since Olivier and Halle will be in their court room frequently after they eventually break up and fight over their kid. The other good news is that Nahla will have somebody to hang out with when the grown-ups start punching and choking each other out on the front yard driveway.
And Halle should save everybody some time and just go ahead and sue Olivier for full custody of their unborn baby so she can move out of the country with her next fiance. Might as well get that out of the way now.
“Lindsay Lohan is psychotic” replaced “water is wet” as the #1 DUH statement of our time and Samantha Ronson’s British socialite of a motherAnn Dexter-Jones wanted to remind us all of this.
The sloppy mash-up of Sarah Jessica Parker and Janice the Muppet tellsThe Daily Mail all about the night that she finally realized that LiLo and SamRo were about as good for each other as masturbating with a circumcised tree branch is for your coochie. Ann says that the year was 2008 and they were all at the opening of The Atlantis in Dubai when she shook her head as LiLo banged her fists on a thick carpet and no that isn’t a euphemism for pussy bumpin’. Ann watched LiLo throw a toddler-style tantrum on the floor and the next day she let her daughter and that crazy crackie bitch know that she wasn’t going to bless their lezzie version of Sid & Nancy anymore and her house was now a Lohan-free zone.
“Suddenly, without any warning, Lindsay flung herself on to the thick carpet and started to roll around screaming like a child. It seemed she was upset that people, including Samantha, were not paying her enough attention. To my mind, it was classic psychotic behavior. I took Lindsay aside and told her not to make a spectacle of herself. She was clearly out of control and spoiling for a fight.
I know stuff, but I don’t want to go into it. I just knew that it was not a good place for my child to be, but sometimes a parent’s objection only makes it more exciting. When I saw for myself just how volatile Lohan was, I realised that the relationship was not healthy. The morning after her tantrum – and believe me, that was not the worst of it – I told them both that I could no longer support them as a couple, that I no longer approved of them being together and that Lindsay was no longer welcome in my home.”
This finally explains that picture. Ann Dexter-Jones isn’t screaming, because she’s so excited that someone is actually taking her picture. Ann Dexter-Jones is screaming, because just standing next to LiLo is painful and she wants to butt fuck her with that pack of Reds. Ann banishing a Lohan from her life was a good move for her family, just like bringing up her daughter’s old relationship to sell her stupid jewelry collection is a good move for her family.
This is the perfect time to remember the good old days when LiLo was giving us the low-budget version of Sharon Stone in Casino:
That’s a look that says, “Read the F U on my shirt.“
After paying for lunch with photocopied money she made at FedEx Office (Side note: I miss Kinko’s), a drunken White Oprah did the fame whore strut down the ho stroll at The Grove and told the paps that she and Lindsay Lohanare staying at The Beverly Hills Hotel (more like The Beverly Hills Adjacent Hotel aka The Best Western in West Hollywood) and she’s been so busy with “work.” (I like how she says “work” like she knows what that words means!) White Oprah kept blabbing about whatever until she ran into an adorable, innocent child and you know White Oprah. She hasn’t met an adorable child she doesn’t want to taint and ruin. Only in L.A. will a mother (with gorgeous eyebrows, by the way) ask her little girl if she wants to take a picture with Lindsay Lohan’s mother. The smart little girl wasn’t having it. She knows that you don’t take candy from strangers and you don’t hug a Dina Lohan, because if you do the next thing you know it’s 18 years later and you’re hungover in a court room while answering to your 15th felony charge of the year.
Here’s the awkwardness in all its awkward glory:
White Oprah wasn’t only in L.A. to terrorize innocent children with her vodka breath, she was also there to represent the definition of delusion once again. White Oprah talked to Extra’sAC Slater and said that she’s writing a tell-all book called A Parent Trapped, because she wants America to know the real her and thinks she can save lives.
On how Lindsay Lohan’s a target by the media, because she was raised by a single parent (???): “I really think she’s a target and since I am a single parent, I think they think there’s a weaker link that she doesn’t have as much protection around her.”
On how she’s so happy that LiLo lives at home with her now, because it’s so much easier just stealing money from LiLo’s purse than trying to figure out the login information for LiLo’s bank account online: “I have been trying to get her out of [L.A.] for five years… she’s safer at home.”
On the rumor that Lindsay Lohan was blacklisted from Shutters in Santa Monica for trashing one of their rooms in 2007: “That was so silly. We got to the hotel, and there were so many paparazzi, so we opted out. We went to another hotel, the suites were full and then we ended up at the Beverly Hills Hotel.”
On how much hate is thrown at her: “I’m probably the mostmisunderstood mother in America.”
On why she’s writing a tell-all: “I feel I’m a victim of domestic violence for years and if I can save a life or change a life… I want it to be a helpful book.”
On if Michael Lohan is helping her raise their kids and how she was a single mother straight out of the womb: “I don’t really want to speak about that on camera, but I’ve been a single mom my whole life. I’ve had sole custody and my other three have had no relationship with him. I’m always hopeful things will get better and slowly, but surely hopefully they are.”
On if she wants LiLo to have kids one day: “Yes, I just want to babysit.”
That last line sent a chill through every CPS officer. And White Oprah went on to say, “Because newborn babies are worth so much more on the black market than 16-year-old boys. You hear that, Cody? Why couldn’t you just sit still in that stroller and pretend to be a newborn baby like a good boy?“