Five years ago, when Wonky McValtrex was still the reigning fame whore queen of the ho stroll, she left her front door unlocked like the dumb shit she is and that allowed the Bling Ring to slip into her house and steal a bunch of crap from her. The Bling Ring did this five times, because just like Wonky’s coochie, her house is really easy to get into. Sofia Coppola made a movie about it and that movie premiered at Cannes last night. Since Wonky has a cameo in the movie and let Sofia shoot inside her house, she went to the premiere and brought her 8-month-old boy toy River Viiperi with her.
At the after-party for the movie, Wonks told Vulture that watching the movie made her cry out tears from her one good eye. Wonks didn’t cry, because the movie made her think of the days when she was still relevant. Wonks cried, because it reminded her of all the times she was violated by the Bling Ring.
“I was really emotional watching it. During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, ‘Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.’ It’s so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them.”
(“Now you know how we feel, bitch!” said the hundreds of thousands of peens whose owners violated them by forcing them into Wonky’s crusty chocha cave of doom)
When Vulture asked Wonks about the burglaries, she said that she sort of feels bad for the guy burglar, because he only stole that stuff to impress the girl burglar. Wonks didn’t know the names of any of the burglars who burglarized her house FIVE TIMES. Then at the end of the interview, some dude asked Wonks for a picture and she said, “Yeah, bitch.”
Maybe it’s because I’m nostalgic or because I’ve been suffering from Kardashian-itis for way too long, but sometimes I actually miss this useless piece of vapid trash. Her brand of dumbness can be really entertaining. And now that we’ve all laughed at her dumbness like it was 2006, we can go back to not missing her.
Here’s Wonks and her fetus-aged boyfriend grossing everyone out last night. Somebody please call CPS, because I think Wonks gave that child seven kinds of VD.
Dlisted – Be Very Afraid
Some of us are looking at that picture like it’s the opposite of sexy, because Katie Holmes looks like she’s in the middle of taking an extended dump and just realized that there’s only one wipe worth of toilet paper left. That is totally a “Do I pull up my panties and chance it or do I risk dripping on the floor by squat walking to the next bathroom?” face. But dudes on the NYC set of Katie’s movie are looking at the sight of her sitting there and telling themselves that they want to see that on their toilet the morning after.
Katie and Luke Kirby are currently playing manic depressives in love in the Spike Lee-produced movie Mania Days and it’s a damn miracle that they get any work done, because every dude on set keeps trying to get on her. A source tells Page Six, “There were crew members and extras just chancing it. It really got on the nerves of director Paul Dalio. Needless to say, she said no to everyone.” The source says that so far seven dudes have asked Katie out.
Katie should give her publicist a bonus for getting that little story in Page Six.
Those crew members and extras asking Katie out need to know that it takes a special kind of dude to date the former duchess of Scientology. Not just any dude can date Katie Holmes. In order to date her, you have to be okay with Suri Cruise dry heaving every time you show up to her apartment wearing sneakers you bought on clearance at Foot Locker. That’s one thing you have to be okay with. You also have to be okay with dying young, because Tommy Girl will probably have you killed. If you’re okay with both of those things, ask away!
Here’s more pictures of Katie Holmes and Luke Kirby as manic depressives in love. I’m already learning things from this movie! I just learned that a symptom of manic depression is wearing a t-shirt with jeans.
Dlisted – Be Very Afraid
Goopy Paltrow doesn’t need to stroke the shaft of her own ego when the voices in her head can do it for her. Goopy already told the world that her friend told her that she has the ass of a 22-year-old stripper and now she’s telling the world that journalists told her that Pepper Potts needs her own movie. The journalists really said, “Ugh, you ruined the movie!,” but Goopy heard, “Oh, you need your own movie!”
At a press conference for Iron Man 3, Babble (via UsWeekly) reports that Goopy told reporters that she’s happy she got to finally wear an Iron Man suit and do stunts. Goopy says that some journalists really loved seeing her in the suit and told her that Pepper Potts should get her own movie.
I loved it so much. You know, I was getting kind of like, come on, guys. Pepper, like, let’s- come on, like, all these boys are flying around doing all this fun stuff, and I loved how patient and kind and sweet Pepper is. But when I read this script, I was like, “oh yeah!” She’s in the suit and flying around, and I loved doing the stunts. As I said, I really had never done anything like that before and it was really fun. I felt like I should’ve been doing this my whole life. It’s like, “why am I doing all these period films. it’s so boring.”
The nice thing is that everybody’s sort of been very sweet about Pepper in this movie, like all the journalists who came in. They were like, “oh my God, you have to have your own movie,” because in the comics, Pepper gets her own suit, and she becomes a character called Rescue. They’re like, we need a Rescue movie, and I’m like, okay, well, I’d better hit the gym.
If only the gym could hit her instead. I mean, when is she not in the gym? I bet that during that entire press conference, she was doing butt crunches with the help of a tiny Buttmaster shoved between her ass cheeks. How do you think she got that 22-year-old stripper ass?
You know, a Pepper Potts movie isn’t a bad idea. I’m all for a Pepper Potts movie, but only if they drop her in a ditch full of raw red meat, canned cheese and processed carbs and make her eat her way out of it while her enemies shout “PASS-TA!” at her over and over again.
Dlisted – Be Very Afraid
The magical creature who seems to DEFY time with her flawless face AKA Cher made a rare public appearance Wednesday eve at the AFI Night at the Movies event, which was held at Hollywood’s famed Arclight theater (above)!
Cher sashayed onto the red carpet looking elegant in a sheer, white and black patterned bouse and a KILLER blazer complete with glorious shoulder pads.
And even though we are sad about Cher’s “best ever” album delay, at least we have this sighting to get us through until its release!
Ch-ch-check out some MORE snaps of Cher DOMINATING that velvet carpet (below)!
[Image via WENN.]
It’s that time of year again! Time to pack a bowl of
weed ice cream and fill that bong vase with water! It’s 420, y’all!
What better way to celebrate Mary Jane’s birthday with some of our favorite pot-smoking movie scenes?? Of course we have Seth Rogen in Knocked Up (above), and pretty much every other movie he’s in, but some of these other ones, might surprise you…
Arnold Schwarzenegger Pumping Iron
Molly Ringwald and Anthony Michael Hall in The Breakfast Club
Kristen Stewart in On The Road
Alicia Silverstone and Brittany Murphy in Clueless
Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher
Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and John Krasinski in It’s Complicated
Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski
Sean Penn and the entire cast of Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Kal Penn and John Cho in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
Seth Rogen again in Pineapple Express
The cast of Dazed and Confused
Chris Tucker in Friday
When Ben Affleck signed up for a movie called Focus with Kristen Stewart, Jennifer Garner immediately started thoroughly cleaning out her nostrils in preparation for the nightly “smell yo dick” tests she’d have to perform on him. But then Ben Affleck dropped out. KStew stayed on and the studio started looking for a big name to replace Ben Affleck. The Hollywood Reporter says that Will Smith has taken Ben Affleck’s role and a second after he did that, KStew quit that bitch.
Focus is from the writers and directors of Crazy, Stupid, Love and it’s about a seasoned con man who takes an amateur con chick under his wing and the two fall in love, because that’s just what happens in movies. THR says that KStew headed for the exit door, because she thinks the age difference between her and Will Smith is too much. So when 40-year-old Ben Affleck was doing it, she was cool, but now that 44-year-old Will Smith is doing it, she’s out?
Age difference… Uh huh….
I’m just going to assume that Kristen Stewart dropped out, because she knows Jada Pinkett Smith is “eh” when it comes to Will Smith cheating on her. What’s the point of dry humping on a married man if his beard wife is just going to shrug her shoulders and say “…and?” when she finds out? You can’t wreck a home when the wife doesn’t give a shit. That takes all the fun out of home wrecking.
Dlisted – Be Very Afraid