“A high profile celebrity being attacked in Paris would be something everybody remembers. If such a serious crime had taken place then a criminal enquiry would have started by now — especially if the victim ended up in a wheelchair.”
True! Although we wouldn’t be surprised if Miz Campbell had her billionaire boyfriend pay the cops to keep quiet!
And it still doesn’t explain what happened to the supermodel’s multi-million dollar leg!
We might never know the complete truth, but regardless, we hope Naomi is safe and sound as she sails the seas on her lover’s yacht, or whatever other fabulous destination she may be in right now.
When you Google “Don Johnson naked” or “Don Johnson huge dick,” you get NSFW pictures of his rolled up pancake peen and articlesabout how his wang is so enormous that it can pin down Jon Hamm’s hammaconda in a wrestling match. Rolling Stone (via Page Six) decided to ask Don Johnson if it’s true that he can tickle a lady’s tonsils just by sticking the tip in her coochie and he shook his head no. Don says that the label on his dick says “regular” and not XXXXXL like the rumors claim, but he says he knows of a different Johnson with a wide-screen, hi-def dick.
“Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me. One time, I was in the Celtics locker room talking to Larry Bird and Kevin McHale . . . and there’s Dennis Johnson coming out of the showers and, dude, that’s who put the Johnson in Johnson. I mean, it must have shown on my face, because when I turned back to Larry, he looked at me and said, ‘I know, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Dude, that’s a weapon.’ “
I know your fingers are itching to Google “Dennis Johnson huge dick,” but I already did and only got a screen full of Don Johnson’s face. Don Johnson ain’t shit for bringing this up 5 years after Dennis Johnson passed away, because it’s not like they can have a big dick-off to see whose peen game is bigger.
And speaking of cocks the size of Liechtenstein, since I post about Richard Simmons all the time, a reader wrote me once to say that he (Richard Simmons) has the biggest cock they’ve ever seen. That e-mail was the equivalent of the recess bell, because it let me know that I had way too much Internet and needed to go outside to play.
This holidayweekend broke box office RECORDS by making the most money during both the Wednesday-Sunday and Friday-Sunday grosses ever seen, no doubt thanks to the respective releases of Breaking Dawn – Part 2 and Skyfall!
That’s right, the final segment in The Twilight Saga had the biggest second weekend for any of the movies in its franchise so far with .1 million, which means it’s made 7 million in the States alone, and 7.7 million WORLDWIDE!
Yup, we’re talking HALF a billion dollars right there!
Meanwhile, the newest Bond movie didn’t do too shabby itself, with million alone this weekend, which upped its domestic total to 1.7 million…the highest-grossing in its franchise! Oh, and worldwide, it’s put away 4 so far!
Of course, that put quite a dent in the newly released Rise of the Guardians, having only made million so far!
But seriously! Was there any way it stood a chance with THOSE two mammoth blockbusters?!
Yeah, we didn’t think so!
Ch-ch-check out a full list of the box office top ten…AFTER THE JUMP!!!
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2, .1 million Skyfall, million Lincoln, million Rise of the Guardians, million Life of Pi, million Wreck-It Ralph, .8 million Red Dawn, .6 million Flight, .6 million Silver Linings Playbook, .6 million Argo, .9 million
Since almost the beginning of time, an embarrassing rumor has followed Rod Stewart around like a bunch of beaver babies followed that thing on his head around, because they mistook it for their mommy. The rumor goes that sometime in the 1970s, Rod Stewart went to a gay bar in San Diego, met a bunch of sailors, sucked them all off and swallowed so much seamen semen that he had to get his stomach pumped at the emergency room. The rumor is embarrassing, because what kind of lightweight, weak, sad excuse for a peen sucker can’t handle their jizz? This might be the only time in history when Parasite Hiltonand I are shaking our heads in disgust at the same time. But Rod Stewart says that if rumors had stomachs, that rumor would have a stomach full of lies.
Esteemed journalist Katie Couric had Rod Stewart on her show and asked him extremely important questions like if it’s true paramedics once put their hands on his stomach and started pumping until a cum geyser shot out of his mouth. Rod denied it:
“I used to have this guy work for me, he was a gay publicist… I had to fire him because he did something terrible, which I won’t go into. He wanted revenge so he started this rumor about me, and it was horrible because my kids were at school. So that is definitely not true. I’m as heterosexual as they come.”
More like he’s heterosexual until they come and then he’s a ravenous cum slut. I refuse to believe Rod Stewart. What is he going to tell me next? That Jordan from New Kids never got his stomach pumped either or that Richard Gere doesn’t have an entire gerbil farm up in his guts? Rod Stewart is only lying, because he’s too ashamed to admit that he couldn’t handle being the pass around mouth of the marines. I’d lie too.
Over the weekend, J. Harvey wrote about how Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson of the Miami Dolphins pulled a first-degree Chris Brown on his wife EvelynLozadoof Basketball Wives by allegedly punching her in the head with his cranium after she found a receipt for condoms in his Maserati. That messy incident cost his dumb stupid ass his job with the Dolphins and now it cost him a wife. Because after only six weeks of marriage, Evelyn is legally headbutting Ochocinco out of her life by filing for divorce.
TMZ somehow, magically learned (see: Evelyn live-texting them a play by play of her filing the papers) that Evelyn filed divorce papers in Florida this afternoon. Evelyn and Ochocinco barely joined fame whore forces by getting married on July 4th in St. Martin and their wedding was taped for a Vh1 reality show that never was. Evelyn’s marriage lasted about as long it took her to take off her earrings before flying across the table to toot Kenya in the dome. Evelyn should’ve filed divorce on their 85th day of marriage to really make it burn.
And somewhere, Jen is sitting back and adjusting the discount blue contacts she brought from the swap meet while saying to the air, “I guess this is the life I ain’t about.“
