When you Google “Don Johnson naked” or “Don Johnson huge dick,” you get NSFW pictures of his rolled up pancake peen and articlesabout how his wang is so enormous that it can pin down Jon Hamm’s hammaconda in a wrestling match. Rolling Stone (via Page Six) decided to ask Don Johnson if it’s true that he can tickle a lady’s tonsils just by sticking the tip in her coochie and he shook his head no. Don says that the label on his dick says “regular” and not XXXXXL like the rumors claim, but he says he knows of a different Johnson with a wide-screen, hi-def dick.
“Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me. One time, I was in the Celtics locker room talking to Larry Bird and Kevin McHale . . . and there’s Dennis Johnson coming out of the showers and, dude, that’s who put the Johnson in Johnson. I mean, it must have shown on my face, because when I turned back to Larry, he looked at me and said, ‘I know, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Dude, that’s a weapon.’ “
I know your fingers are itching to Google “Dennis Johnson huge dick,” but I already did and only got a screen full of Don Johnson’s face. Don Johnson ain’t shit for bringing this up 5 years after Dennis Johnson passed away, because it’s not like they can have a big dick-off to see whose peen game is bigger.
And speaking of cocks the size of Liechtenstein, since I post about Richard Simmons all the time, a reader wrote me once to say that he (Richard Simmons) has the biggest cock they’ve ever seen. That e-mail was the equivalent of the recess bell, because it let me know that I had way too much Internet and needed to go outside to play.
Internet teen sensation RebeccaBlack is back, and she’s got a little treat for all the rabid Black Friday shoppers out there. You know who you are.
Katy Perry‘s favorite video co-star is releasing her new single and accompanying video for In Your Words.
Don’t act like you’re not excited.
So as you’re heading out at midnight after stuffing yourself with turkey, and elbowing fellow shoppers out of your way so you can catch that irresistible deal on a new flat screen, don’t forget to catch Miz Black’s latest tune.
It’ll be the perfect antidote to all that late-night shopping insanity!
Listen to a teaser clip of the song (above) and get in the shopping mood!
Since almost the beginning of time, an embarrassing rumor has followed Rod Stewart around like a bunch of beaver babies followed that thing on his head around, because they mistook it for their mommy. The rumor goes that sometime in the 1970s, Rod Stewart went to a gay bar in San Diego, met a bunch of sailors, sucked them all off and swallowed so much seamen semen that he had to get his stomach pumped at the emergency room. The rumor is embarrassing, because what kind of lightweight, weak, sad excuse for a peen sucker can’t handle their jizz? This might be the only time in history when Parasite Hilton and I are shaking our heads in disgust at the same time. But Rod Stewart says that if rumors had stomachs, that rumor would have a stomach full of lies.
Esteemed journalist Katie Couric had Rod Stewart on her show and asked him extremely important questions like if it’s true paramedics once put their hands on his stomach and started pumping until a cum geyser shot out of his mouth. Rod denied it:
“I used to have this guy work for me, he was a gay publicist… I had to fire him because he did something terrible, which I won’t go into. He wanted revenge so he started this rumor about me, and it was horrible because my kids were at school. So that is definitely not true. I’m as heterosexual as they come.”
More like he’s heterosexual until they come and then he’s a ravenous cum slut. I refuse to believe Rod Stewart. What is he going to tell me next? That Jordan from New Kids never got his stomach pumped either or that Richard Gere doesn’t have an entire gerbil farm up in his guts? Rod Stewart is only lying, because he’s too ashamed to admit that he couldn’t handle being the pass around mouth of the marines. I’d lie too.