During an episode of The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, Chelsea Handler said that the only kind of little people that she wants to suck on her chichis are the ones who are fully grown adults named Chuy Bravo. Jennifer Aniston’s partner in boozery says that she is a wonderful mother to a bottle of Grey Goose, but she’d be a crap mother to a human baby who needs actual attention.
“I definitely don’t want to have kids. I don’t think I’d be a great mother. I don’t want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don’t have the time to raise a child.
Childhood was heartbreaking enough for anybody. I don’t know that I could handle my own child, especially if I had a girl, going through what I went through growing up. Not that it was so traumatic, but in many ways, it was in your own way.”
Chelsea would probably be the kind of mother who gives her kid whiskey when it screams too much, does lines off of its bald head when she’s breast feeding and when it cries out for her and she doesn’t want to deal with it, she’d give it a piece of salmon jerky in a blonde wig to cuddle with (it won’t know the difference). I don’t see the problem! That’s basically what White Oprah did with all of her kids and look how wonderful that turned out.
via Radar
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want And here’s some news that’ll make a CPS officer roll their eyes as they pull out a blank folder, grab a Sharpie and get themselves ready to write the name of Halle Berry’s future child on it. TMZ says that a 3-month-old boy fetus is baking in Halle Berry’s womb right now and her fiance Olivier Martinez is the father. End well: this isn’t.
A source tells TMZ that 5-year-old Nahla is going to be a sister in around 6 months and 46-year-old Halle and 47-year-old Olivier already know they’re having a boy. TMZ thinks that Halle might’ve gone mama bear wild on the paps at LAX the other day, because she was protecting the growing fetus in her baby bag.
Well, the good news is that every family law judge in L.A. knows that their job is safe for a few years since Olivier and Halle will be in their court room frequently after they eventually break up and fight over their kid. The other good news is that Nahla will have somebody to hang out with when the grown-ups start punching and choking each other out on the front yard driveway.
And Halle should save everybody some time and just go ahead and sue Olivier for full custody of their unborn baby so she can move out of the country with her next fiance. Might as well get that out of the way now.
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Somebody's You’d think that the only thing that would agree to marry Jesse James would be a popped anal wart on an alley rat’s ass (no offense to popped anal warts on an alley rat’s ass), but he actually found a living, breathing human being who wants to call him her husband. Vanilla Gorilla married billionaire shampoo and tequila heiress Alexis DeJoria in Malibu on Sunday. Either Vanilla Gorilla seriously brainwashed a ho Nazi-style or Alexis just really wants to be married to a tattooed bag of dehydrated gorilla dingles who will keep her guessing. What I mean by that is Alexis will constantly ask herself, “I wonder what kind of STD Vanilla Gorilla’s nomad dick will deliver to my coochie today?”
People says that Vanilla Gorilla and Alexis DeJoria, who’s also a drag racer, have only been bumping tattooed crotches for about 7 months. VG jumped on Alexis just a second after he broke up with Kat Von D. VG and Alexis got married at the Malibu home of her dad John Paul DeJoria, the co-founder of Paul Mitchell and Patron. VG’s daughter Sunny was a flower girl along with Alexis’ daughter Bella. The flower girls wore Hitler Youth uniforms, the bride wore this and the bride’s family all wore tears on their faces, because they realized that they’ll have to look at Vanilla Gorilla’s punchable face every time they go to a family party.
Well, VG better start stock piling and hiding as many cases of Patron as he can, because it’s only a matter of time before his fourth marriage ends when Alexis catches his dick doing the Hitler salute right into the pussy of some down river skank. Speaking of down river skanks, let’s all take this to remember VG’s skankiest side piece Bombshit McGee. Here’s some pictures from last year of Bombshit getting her coochie warts burned and sawed off at the free clinic. Alexis, this is your future!
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Vanilla Seen below looking like a cracked out troll making sweet love to the air, Charlie Sheen was on Letterman last night to promote the next 90 episodes of Anger Management (not joking) and while he was there he let the world know that he’s going to be grandpapa soon. Apparently, Charlie has a 28-year-old daughter named Cassandra Estevez and she’s knocked up with his first grandchild. I don’t know whether to feel pity or jealousy toward the newborn baby who will get second hand high from inhaling Charlie’s crack smoke breath.
Charlie told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) that he knows the world is going to be an even weirder place when he becomes a grandaddy:
“Me as a grandfather, Dave…I don’t know. It’s like the world’s going to crack in half. It’s fabulous. It’s just not a title I’m ready to adopt.”
All jokes aside, Charlie Sheen is going to be the greatest pepaw ever. On your 16th birthday, your grandpa probably gave you a recycled birthday card with two one dollar bills in it. On Charlie’s grandkid’s 16th birthday, he’s going to give them a cashiers check for 0,000 and a gift card to the Bunny Ranch if he’s a boy and a gift card for silicone titty sacks if she’s a girl. When you spent the day with your grandparents, you probably spent it watching old Matlock episodes on Beta tape while eating a cold Hungry Man meal (or if you were me, you spent it watching telenovelas while trying to eat a leftover enchilada that fused with its Styrofoam container, because my abuelita left it in the microwave too long). When Charlie’s grandkid spends the day with him, they will spend it playing chicken with porn stars in a pool full of vodka.
And I bet Charlie won’t even be mad with his grandkid when they want to play with his dentures. Best grandpa ever!
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Somebody's Gold diggers of the world, you now have a new icon to pay tribute to. Janice Dickinson is proving that you can never be too insane or plastic faced to catch a rich ass husband. Take note, Lindsay Lohan. The world’s first supermodel (the world being the bubble of craziness she lives in) tells TooFab that sometime next spring, she will become somebody’s wife for the fourth time and will become a doctor’s wife for the first time. Janice’s piece of a few months Dr. Robert Gerner, who has a cautious look on his face like he’s always prepared to be slapped with a silicone titty bag by a crazed banshee, gave her a diamond Victorian promise ring and he will give her a real engagement ring sometime soon.
Janice and Dr. Robert’s love started blooming a few months ago when they met on a blind date at Chateau Marmont. Janice said she knew right away that he’s the one whose life she wants to ruin and went on to say that “he’s the ying to my yang.” Janice and Dr. Robert recently bought a Hollywood Hills home together and they’re throwing a housewarming/engagement party this weekend. They’ve invited Kunty Karl (no joke), Donatella Versace (no joke), Sandra Bullock (no joke) and Slash (he’ll probably show up).
You’re probably assuming that Dr. Robert is a plastic surgeon, because he obviously appreciates a non biodegradable goddess who has been shellacked a thousand times over, but you’re wrong. The punchline is that Dr. Robert is a psychiatrist. I know, it’s almost as if Dr. Robert is an undercover agent for The Los Angeles County Department Of Mental Health and was hired to lure Janice Dickinson to their “new love nest in the Hollywood Hills” (aka Cedars Sinai Psychiatry Department). It’s a set up! Run, Janice, ruuuuuuuun (but not before you grab Dr. Robert’s empty prescription pad and all his samples of Xanax).
(Pic via Flickr)
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Somebody's No, Brian Austin Green’s nostrils aren’t inhaling two servings of Megan Fox’s pregnancy farts. Brian Austin Green’s facial expression dial is permanently stuck on “Snarling Bulldog.”
The world’s most prolific philosopher and Forever David Silver To Me never opened up their mouths to say that he put a Silver Baby in her Fox Womb, but they basically confirmed it with some completely natural and not-at-all staged pictures that weren’t taken in front of a “tropical landscape” background at a Sears Portrait Studio. If anything, those pictures were TOO natural.
Well, when it came time for Brian Austin Green to lure his Silver Fox baby out of Megan Fox’s uterus by singing an a capella version of “You’re So Precious To Me,” I didn’t think they’d announce it since they are so private and all (insert rolling of eye here). I figured they’d just do what my 14-year-old cousin did. One day she told me she was just getting fat and the next day she had a newborn baby in her arms and I was like, OK! Megan didn’t do that. Megan went on Facebook (via USWeekly) today to announce the birth of her first son and Brian Austin Green’s second son.
We have been very lucky to have had a peaceful few weeks at home, but I would like to release this myself before others do. I gave birth to our son Noah Shannon Green on September 27th. He is healthy, happy, and perfect.
We are humbled to have the opportunity to call ourselves the parents of this beautiful soul and I am forever grateful to God for allowing me to know this kind of boundless, immaculate love.
Thanks to those of you who wish to send your positive energy and well wishes. May God bless you and your families abundantly.
Noah Shannon Green is lucky for 3 reasons:
1. Noah Shannon Green will have biceps on his eyes from constantly rolling his seeing balls while his mom mouth shits out her usual words of wisdom.
2. If Noah Shannon Green wants to be the star player of his Irish church’s golf league, he already has the name for it.
3. Noah Shannon Green will inherit all of his father’s hottest ensembles from the 90s. I hope Little NSG wears ensemble #6 to his first day at Harvard. (NSG’s mother is the smartest woman in the world so he’s skipping grade, junior and high school and going directly to graduate school!)
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