Who needs more than , a director and a crew to make a music video? All you need is your parents’ garage, a bunch of drugs, a strobe light from Party City, an old camcorder found in a dumpster, a couple of colored light bulbs, a demo version of iMovie and old Fly Girl outfits bought from an In Living Color yard sale.
Vanessa Hudgens stopped shooting Spring Breakers a year ago, but the glowstick fluid still flows through her veins and so she got a bunch of her friends together to make a video for the song $$$ex (Ke$hit will be filing a copyright infringement lawsuit in 3..2..)
One time in the late 90s, I decided to go to a rave sober (pro tip: don’t go to a rave sober) and I stayed sober (pro pro tip: don’t stay sober at a rave) and being sober around a bunch of high hos whose heads are stuck in rainbow-colored clouds is some weird shit. I spent a full hour watching a bunch of high ravers dry orgasm while their ears were pressed up against a speaker. The bass probably shattered their ear drums a million times over but they loved it. The emotions I felt then while watching them are the same ones I’m feeling now while watching this mess of a video. I’m thinking, do I want what they’re having?
When I watched this no budget mess of a shitty video on mute, I kind of liked it. It’s like a public access commercial for a 1-900 chat line on acid.
And here’s Vanessa Hudgens’ twink boyfriend Austin Butler pulling her pants up as she does her worst Lisa Bonet impersonation while walking into The Rolling Stones show at the Staples Center in L.A. last night. Also at The Rolling Stones show last night was The Hoff, Paul Stanley, Nick Simmons, Frasier, Jack Nicholson and Monica Lewinsky. A motley crew of random whores!
The U.S. is finally getting another dose of its favorite pastime faptime sport: watching Prince Hot Gingeget dick-out naked for a game of nude ass billiards! The streets of New Jersey, NYC, Connecticut, DC and Colorado Springs will all be covered with a river of genital juices this May, because PHG is coming for a visit.
St. James Palace announced this morning that starting on May 9th, some of you lucky whores will be breathing in the air that PHG’s crotch carrot exhales out. The third in line to the throne and the first in line to my b-hole will start his American tour by making an appearance at the 2013 Warrior Games in Colorado Springs. I’m going to take a Peter Pan Bus to Colorado Springs, cover my body with suction cups and stick myself to PHG. Once his royal guards pry me off, he will then make his way to New Jersey to visit the victims of Hurricane Sandy. PHG will then visit a landline clearance exhibition on Capitol Hill and he’ll show up to a charity event in NYC. PHG will end his American tour at the Sentebale Polo Cup in Greenwich, Conn.
UsWeekly says that this is strictly a business trip and don’t expect him to get his nipples out while drunkenly partying with some hos. PHG’s press secretary said, “Prince Harry wants to highlight once again the extraordinary commitment and sacrifice of our injured servicemen and women.”
PHG is coming on May 9th, which gives us a little over a month to hypnotize his piece Cressida Boners into making the biggest mistake of her life by dumping him. Then PHG will have to honor the solemn oath he drunkenly made to a random stranger in front of a club on the streets of London. He’ll have to go gay. I better call the Warrior Games and ask them how much it’ll cost me for them to tattoo my Grindr username on the forehead of every athlete that PHG’s supposed to meet.
Here’s Prince Hot Ginge busting out some sweet white boy moves with the children at the Kanenelo Centre for the Deaf and meeting the students at the St. Bernadette School for the Visually Impaired in Lesotho. PHG was at those schools on behalf of his charity and the photographers were there to take pictures of PHG being there on behalf of his charity, but I wish that the photographers and him would do an act of charity for me.
I wish PHG would recreate these poses in front of a green screen by himself. It would make my life a whole easier and my copy of Photoshop would thank him. Then I could easily drop in the background of my choice (a waterfall of dildos, duh) and drop in a picture of me wearing a “CRESSIDA WHO?!” tank top.
While shooting up together in his trailer on the set ofScary Movie 5back in September, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan bonded the way all drunk messes bond while taking turns snorting a bump out of a call girl’s b-hole. TMZ says that between filming, LiLo and Charlie hung out and she told him all of her problems including her problems with the IRS. LiLo owes the IRS almost 4k for not paying taxes in 2009 and 2010. Since Charlie always has his Captain Save-A-Crack-Ho hat on, he offered to pay off LiLo’s tax debt, but she refused. Future civilizations will refer to “LiLo turning down money” as the final sign of the Rapture.
You’d think that the dented metal memory cabinet in Charlie Sheen’s head is filled with nothing but crack smoke, but apparently it isn’t. Charlie remembered LiLo’s problems with the IRS and last week he sent her business manager a charitable gift in the form of a 0,000 check. This time LiLo accepted his gift and used it to pay almost half of her IRS bill. Some source says that Charlie did it out of the goodness of his crack damaged heart and wants nothing in return. Uh huh.
TMZ also says that LiLo is going to make million this year and who knows if any of that money went to the IRS. But why should LiLo send her money to the IRS when she can send Charlie’s instead? Obviously, Charlie didn’t give LiLo that money for free and now every time he comes calling, she’s gotta slurp on his perma-soft coke peen and slurping on his perma-soft coke peen is probably as boring as deep throating an overcooked fettuccine noodle. But she’s done a lot worse for 0,000 (see: I Know Who Killed Me) and she can write off all the mind numbing substances she has to snort to get through an intimate moment with Charlie.