If you were wearing a wig today and wondered why it just slipped off of your head and slowly dropped to the ground where it’s lying like a sad puddle of polyester tears, it’s because it’s mourning the loss of a legendary comedian and glamour icon. TMZ says that PhyllisDilleris now in heaven, hopefully throwing side-eyes at Bea Arthur. Phyllis passed away at her home in Los Angeles while surrounded by her family. Phyllis was 95.
Here I was thinking that Phyllis Diller was immortal and found the fountain of youth in a liquid brow pencil, but TMZ says that she had a few health problems over the years. Phyllis was fitted with a pacemaker in 1999 after she had a heart attack. Recently, Phyllis messed up her wrist and hip after falling and she was getting hospice care at her home ever since.
Everything you need to know about Phyllis Diller’s life is in her Wiki page (Side note: I didn’t know where was an urban legend about her being Susan Lucci’s biological mother?!) and in the documentary about her life Goodnight, We Love You. And here’s a classic Phyllis Diller moment of her roasting Joan Collins:
Rest in peace, Phyllis Diller.
Let’s all lower our exquisitely painted brows at half-staff on our faces for Phyllis.
Fred Willard, who was in almost every Christopher Guest movie, joined Pee-wee Herman in The Cops Gave Me Blue Balls Club last night when he was arrested for jacking his 72-year-old dick to straight porn at the Tiki Theater in Hollywood. Yes, porn theaters still exist even though almost everyone has a personal porn theater in the privacy of their home called the motherfucking Internet. And yes, the cops are still arresting people for doing exactly what you’re supposed to do in a porn theater. This is the world we live in and it ain’t right.
TMZ says that at around 8:45 last night, Fred, who’s about to start shooting a movie called The Yank (research?), had his peen out and was fapping his way to a bust when the cops busted him for lewd conduct. No word if the cops did the right thing by turning around to let him finish, because nothing is worse than trying to smile in a mug shot glamour shoot after your ole’ man jizz party has been cut short. Fred was arrested, taken in and released a quick minute later.
Don’t the cops have better things to do than handcuff an old man’s fappin’ hand for partaking in a little old-fashioned jerking off in a porn theater? If it’s that slow, they should just follow Lindsay Lohan around, because I’m sure she committed at least a dozen crimes in the time it took for Fred to give his vintage man sausage some hand love.
Since the cops are still busting bitches in porn theaters, where were they when I went to the Tomkat Theater in L.A. (Side note: I only went there out of curiosity. OKAY? Is it even still there? The stank from that night is still trapped to the walls of my nostrils.) and made the lethal mistake of going to the bathroom upstairs. There in the bathroom was a naked old bitch jacking it while sitting on the toilet. And yes, my falling nostril hairs told me that he was doing exactly what I thought he was doing on that toilet. Where were the cops then, because that was some illegal shit. Pun very much intended.
Fred is 72 years old and I say if he wants to fap in a musky porn theater, let him fap in a musky porn theater. Instead of arresting him, we should all give him a hand (not like that).
Ever since Paula Deen made the Land O’Lakes girl reach for the noose when she announced that she’s got Type 2 Diabetes, she’s been eating healthier and has traded her usual lunch of deep fried cake and bacon sandwiches for salad and baked fish. The Parkay tub’s former nemesis tells People that not swallowing an entire Domino sugar factory every day has melted 30 pounds from her body in six months. Paula is still losing the chunk and says that soon the mound of white Ursula hair on her head will weigh more than her body. Paula owes her new size 10 body to slowly making changes in her diet, not eating all the deep fried deliciousness she makes, Photoshop and People Magazine waving a check at her.
“I do think differently now. I’m more aware. It took me a couple of years to get to this point. If you make a few small changes, they can add up to big results.”
Seeing a skinnier Paula Deen is as weird as seeing Kim Kardashian without a black peen in her mouth. But I’m happy for Paula that she’s eating healthier shit and yes, I typed that with one hand while sucking chocolate pudding out of a sugar cone with the other.
Also, if you switched Katy Perry and Paula’s faces, that cover would look exactly the same. Their faces were harvested from the same place! Also also, are those shoes on Paula’s feed made of breadsticks, cheese and better. I guess if you can’t eat ‘em, wear ‘em.
Thankfully, it was a false alarm. But those cops came prepared!
They stormed that place with guns drawn and courage to save our favorite gift, Miz Paula Abdul!
Late last night, around 2:30am, a call was placed to the police by a a private security company that monitors the Sherman Oaks neighborhood that Paula lives in. The alarm had gone off at her house and their was suspicion that someone had broken in.
The police arrived promptly at the scene – with guns drawn – where they found the front door wide open, but no one at home. Officials on the scene later reported that the home didn’t look like it had been broken into and nothing seemed stolen or out of place.
Odd. Where was Paula, the warrior, when this was all going down? True, if it really was a break-in, we’re happy she wasn’t there. But then … what exactly happened here?