….and then KristenStewart lifted her tear-stained face, looked at the unicorn on Taylor Swift’s shirt and screamed, “Those used to dance in his magical forest hair!” ….And then Kristen Stewart wiped away her tears, stared at her hand and screamed, “I didn’t know I had the ability to make these.”
UsWeekly’s fanfiction department reports that yesterday afternoon, Kristen Stewart and a friend drove to Taylor Swift’s house in Beverly Hills after visiting another friend’s house. A source says that KStew and her friend spent all day there before driving back to her house.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!
Well, it probably means that Taylor Swift ran out of famous (or famous-ish) white dudes to date and write songs about, so now she’s writing about other people’s break-ups instead. She already got a few songs out of Selena Gomez and now she’s moving on to Kristen Stewart’s latest break-up. (WARNING: Taylor Swift’s next album will have a Twatlight theme.) This also means that the unicorn and rainbows wallpaper in Taylor’s Lisa Frank-themed parlor slid off the walls, because that much insufferableness in one room could melt hardened glue.
Or maybe Taylor just wanted to mend KStew’s broken heart with a little, good old-fashioned scissoring.
Five years ago, when Wonky McValtrex was still the reigning fame whore queen of the ho stroll, she left her front door unlocked like the dumb shit she is and that allowed the BlingRing to slip into her house and steal a bunch of crap from her. The Bling Ring did this five times, because just like Wonky’s coochie, her house is really easy to get into. Sofia Coppola made a movie about it and that movie premiered at Cannes last night. Since Wonky has a cameo in the movie and let Sofia shoot inside her house, she went to the premiere and brought her 8-month-old boy toy River Viiperi with her.
At the after-party for the movie, Wonks told Vulture that watching the movie made her cry out tears from her one good eye. Wonks didn’t cry, because the movie made her think of the days when she was still relevant. Wonks cried, because it reminded her of all the times she was violated by the Bling Ring.
“I was really emotional watching it. During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, ‘Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.’ It’s so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them.”
(“Now you know how we feel, bitch!” said the hundreds of thousands of peens whose owners violated them by forcing them into Wonky’s crusty chocha cave of doom)
When Vulture asked Wonks about the burglaries, she said that she sort of feels bad for the guy burglar, because he only stole that stuff to impress the girl burglar. Wonks didn’t know the names of any of the burglars who burglarized her house FIVE TIMES. Then at the end of the interview, some dude asked Wonks for a picture and she said, “Yeah, bitch.”
Maybe it’s because I’m nostalgic or because I’ve been suffering from Kardashian-itis for way too long, but sometimes I actually miss this useless piece of vapid trash. Her brand of dumbness can be really entertaining. And now that we’ve all laughed at her dumbness like it was 2006, we can go back to not missing her.
Here’s Wonks and her fetus-aged boyfriend grossing everyone out last night. Somebody please call CPS, because I think Wonks gave that child seven kinds of VD.
Our rehab repeat offender is all in a fuss over her chosen rehablocation, Morningside Recovery, so much so she’s completely broken down.
Daddy dearest, Michael Lohan, revealed his little lovely isn’t handling having to check in today very well…or really at all.
Well that’s pretty damn obvious. She ALREADY missed her first flight to get out there!
“She was crying hysterically when she called me. Lindsay is heading to California but she doesn’t want to go the place she’s going and she’s upset that she’s being forced to do so.”
Uh, okay, let us get this straight.
She’s upset about going to a rehab location SHE wanted because they allowed cigarettes? AND the place looks like a luxury spa? AND she had 45 days to make this decision?
Well, what was she doing during those 45 days if not carefully selecting a rehab that would not leave her sitting in a puddle of tears?
Whatever she was up to – surely not partying in Brazil or at Coachella – she has since decided it’s Lukens she wants to rehab at, and her pops plans to dry those tears and make it happen as he added:
“Lindsay wants to go to the Lukens Institute. But she’s going to go to Morningside in Newport Beach until she can transfer to the one in Florida … She asked me if she could transfer to Lukens once she starts and I told her of course she can. I will get it all settled for her.”
Well, sounds like things are off to a GREAT start.
As if we’d expect any less dramz from LiLo on the big rehab check in day!
Beyonce, the only woman who has ever given birth to a baby on this planet, talks to Vogue (via DM) about giving birth to a baby, being a woman, making a baby, being a sexual woman and being a sensual being who just had a human baby. But just when I was about to roll my eyes all the way to the left (to the left), Beyonce got a slow clap from me when she subtly burned GOOPY Paltrow by calling Blue Ivy Carterher bestest best fwend in the world. Our thoughts and prayers should be with GOOPY’s maids today, because those poor bitches have to stick an enema full of pink dolphin sweat into her cold, pasty ass since the only way she can get rid of her hurt feelings is to shit them out. Shit out those hurt feelings, GOOP!
If you need to hear about Beyonce, the only entertainer in the world, going on and on about giving birth and being a woman, here you go:
On giving birth: “I felt very maternal around eight months, and I thought I couldn’t bond any more until I saw the baby. But it happened during my labor because I had a very strong connection with my child. I felt like when I was having contractions, I envisioned my child pushing through a very heavy door. Everything that scared me just was not present in that room. So for me to really let go and really appreciate every contraction . . . it was the best day of my life.”
On how she bought a broken heart BFF necklace set for her and Blue Ivy Carter: “She is my road dog, my homey, my best friend.”
On how she communicated to Blue Ivy Carter through vagina thrusts: “And I imagined this tiny infant doing all the work, so I couldn’t think about my own pain. We were talking. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt a communication.”
On her after-birth body: “Right now, after giving birth, I really understand the power of my body. I just feel my body means something completely different. I feel a lot more confident about it. Even being heavier, thinner, whatever. I feel a lot more like a woman. More feminine, more sensual. And no shame. I don’t feel like I have to please anyone. I feel free. I feel like I’m an adult. I’m grown. I can do what I want. I can say what I want. I can retire if I want. That’s why I’ve worked hard.”
And when Vogue asked GOOPY (aka Beyonce’s back-up best friend) about Beyonce, she said that she once watched Beyonce work in the studio while holding Blue Ivy Carter and it made her think to herself, “This is how you do it. You do what you love with who you love included.” GOOPY went on to say, “It also made me want to Skype Apple at her boarding school in Switzerland, but then I remembered that I had an 0 cashmere and panda placenta t-shirt to design for GOOP!”
It makes sense that Blue Ivy Carter is Beyonce’s best friend. I mean, when they hang out, Beyonce can talk about all things Beyonce and show BIC pictures of Beyonce and BIC can’t say shit! It’s the perfect friendship!