Guess what, you guys?!
Today isn’t just Cinco de Mayo!
It’s the day that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo stars “Mama” June Shannon and her gentleman caller, Sugar Bear, officially became husband and wife!
The parents of reality superstar Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson, who met in an on-line chatroom nine years ago, are finally getting hitched, and TLC cameras were down in McIntyre, Georgia, to capture every glorious moment!
According to the wedding invitation, “no cell phones, cameras, or outside video taping will be allowed.”
Even better?! All guests have been instructed to dress in COMPLETE redneck styles…AKA hot pink and/or camouflage!
In all honesty, we sincerely hope that today’s union is just as magical as every second that their family has given us on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo!
Congrats congrats, you two! Now WEEEEEERK!
The makers of Mountain Dew fountains, flute-shaped Red Solo cups and pork rind-flavored edible garter belts were all out of jobs when Brit Brit canceled her wedding to Jason Trainwreck, but happy days are here again, because Mama June has come to the rescue!
TMZ says America’s answer to Kate Middleton, Mama June, will marry her man Sugar Bear today in front of TLC’s cameras. Guests were told to leave their cell phones and video cameras at home and the workers were told to do themselves up in their best redneck ensemble.
Sugar Bear and Mama June first met in an online chat room (I’m guessing the butter lovers room) 9 years ago and out came Honey Boo Boo a couple of years later.
Mama June’s something old will be the cheese ball necklace passed down from generation to generation. Her something new will be the fresh fart she’ll bust out at the altar during their I dos. Her something borrowed will be Glitzy’s tiara. And her something blue will be her Forklift Foot when it really loses its circulation after she shoves it into a bridal heel. What I’m saying is that Mama June is going to be the most beautimous bride of the year (sorry, Kee-ERA!) And we’ll all swoon out of our chonies when Sugar Bear kisses his new bride’s luscious layer of chins, because he’s too short to reach her mouth.
Fill your flute-shaped Red Solo cup with sketti sauce and let’s toast to Mama June and Sugar Bear!
Dlisted – Be Very Afraid
The prosecutors in Santa Monica and L.A. both agreed to let Lindsay Lohan serve her 90-day sentence at the Seafield Center in the Hamptons and on Tuesday night she was putting together 270 looks for rehab (because life’s most important catwalk is the hallway in rehab that leads from your room to your therapist’s office, obviously). But because Lindsay Lohan has to be a rusty nail shoved into everyone’s urethra at all times, she changed rehab places at the last minute. TMZ reported yesterday that Seafield wouldn’t let LiLo smoke, so she was thinking about going to Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, CA, because they allow cigs. And that’s exactly what she did.
Even though the prosecutors never approved Morningside Recovery, she went anyway. LiLo missed her first flight from NYC to L.A., so she got one of her friends (read: one of her sugar daddies) to lend her their private jets. LiLo checked into Morningside this morning and her Chaka from Land of the Lost-looking ass lawyer Mark Heller was in front of a judge today to get the place approved.
Mark Heller continued to be the gift that keeps on farting by using priceless lines like, “She is ensconced in the bosom of that facility right now.” While he was doing that, the prosecutors told the judge that they first heard about LiLo going to Morningside from the media and Mark Heller never called to tell them about it. Morningside was never on the approval list and the prosecutors have problems with the place. The judge could’ve thrown LiLo in jail for violating the agreement, but doing that would’ve went against the first rule of the California Justice System (never punish Lindsay Lohan), so he’s letting her stay at Morningside until the prosecutors investigate the place. The prosecutors have until next Friday to determine if they’re okay with LiLo serving her sentence at Morningside or not.
TMZ helped prosecutors with their investigation by finding out that Morningside is basically a sober hotel. Morningside’s license to treat was revoked, because they were “careless” with giving out prescriptions for drugs. Morningside can’t give treatment right now and the only thing they can do is provide a “sober living environment.”
Like any of that shit really matters. Next Friday, Mark Heller will skip into court on his tiny feet and tell the judge that Lindsay Lohan checked out of Morningside and checked into the Chateau Marmont instead. Yes, the Chateau Marmont is the opposite of a rehab facility and they probably have an in-house coke dealer, but the sheets at Morningside were so itchy and were scratching LiLo’s skin. And the dumb bitch staffers at Morningside wouldn’t let LiLo drink a bottle of vodka with dinner. MONSTERS! The judge will shake his head and tell Mark Heller that the court will send an 8-ball and a case of vodka to LiLo’s room as a thank you for being so accommodating throughout all this. It’s the least they can do! That’s totally what’s going to happen.
Dlisted – Be Very Afraid
Despite all the reports from classmates and friends that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the second suspect in the Boston Marathon bombings, was unlikely to be involved in any sort of extremist activity, new information about the 19-year-old seems to indicate that he and his brother, the now deceased Tamerlan, lived a shocking double life.
According to reports, the elder Tsarnaev’s behavior changed drastically in the last three or four years, and upon returning from an extended trip to Russia in August of 2012, posted multiple videos to his private YouTube page featuring a militant Islamic group in his native Chechnya area, known as Imarat Kavkaz.
However, according to Watertown Police Chief Edward Deveau:
“From what I know right now, these two acted together and alone. I think we have to be ever vigilant, and we’re learning as we go along, but as far as this little cell — this little group — I think we got our guys.”
Meanwhile, his younger brother, Dzhokar, remains unable to speak in the hospital, where he is “intubated and sedated” as new reports reveal he suffered a throat injury during the 24-hour manhunt and shoot-out that occurred between Thursday and Friday, during which it’s now been revealed that pair hijacked a Mercedes, ADMITTED to the driver that they were behind the bombings while hurling explosives at authorities, INCLUDING handguns, riles, and six pressure cooker bombs similar to what they used on Monday.
Given the severity of his actions, Dzhokhar is expected to be formally charged today by a judge at his hospital bedside, both for both federal terrorism – which could result in the death penalty – and state murder charges.
As New York Senator Charles Schumer says:
“Given the facts that I’ve seen, it would be appropriate to use the death penalty in this case and I hope they would apply it in federal court.”
We suppose only time will tell what’s to come next, but we just sincerely hope that all the authorities involved are able to gather as much information from this young man as possible, and use it to ensure that travesties of this scale are prevented in the future.
Our heart stays with during this impossibly difficult time, Boston.
[Image via AP Images.]
Ann Curry didn’t have an easy few months leading up to her TODAY Show departure.
Reporter Brian Stelter revealed in an excerpt from his upcoming book Top of the Morning: Inside the Cutthroat World of Morning TV that Matt Lauer’s co-anchor was the butt of quite a few staffroom jokes, much to Ann’s chagrin.
A staffer revealed to Stelter:
“A lot of time in the control room was spent making fun of Ann’s outfit choices or just generally messing with her.”
Apparently, some of the employees even compared Ann’s bright yellow dress (above) to Big Bird in a “Who Wore It Best?” vote. YIKES!
Stelter added that a “blooper reel of Curry’s worst on-air mistakes” was even “commissioned” by the show’s executive producer, Jim Bell — though he’s denied these allegations.
Additionally, some of Ann’s personal belongings, prior to her departure, “ended up in a coat closet, as if she had already been booted off the premises.”
Stelter wrote that the former co-anchor still feels “profoundly hurt and humiliated” by the “final months” of “professional torture” and her exit from the show.
But, Ann, don’t let any of this get you down! Chin up!
No one should EVER feel antagonized in the workplace. This is just SO CRUEL. We’re glad Ann is free from these ca-ray-zay antics!
[Image via Dan Jackman/WENN.]
Sadly for us, Kim Kartrashian wasn’t in kourt today to answer to her krimes against humanity. Kim was in court for a hearing in her never-ending divorce battle against Encino Man’s slower younger brother Kris Humphries. Kim and Kris were supposed to meet plastic face-to-caveman face today, but he got a severe case of the Lindsay Lohans and didn’t show up.
TMZ says that Kris was stuck in New York for some reason (SPOILER ALERT: He forgot how to operate a door knob and just stayed in his apartment and stared at the door until someone came for him), so he never got on a plane to L.A. The judge wasn’t happy about it and TMZ says he ripped Kris a new asshole (“Been there and Ray J’s boomerang dick is to blame.” – Kim). The judge set a new pre-trial hearing date for April 19th and he might throw a few fines at Kris for being late.
Radar has a totally different story. They say that Kris wasn’t in court today, because his team the Brooklyn Nets are playing the Indiana Pacers in Indianapolis and he was already excused. Radar also says that the trial will begin on May 6th and the court hasn’t decided if cameras are allowed or not.
I hope there’s going to be a sea of cameras in the court room. I really need to see smoke rise from Kris Humphries’ head when he’s asked a question that has more than three words in it. And I really need to see a crack form in Kim’s concrete forehead when she spits out a lie after she’s asked if she faked her marriage for publicity.
And somewhere there’s a sad, tacky, new money toddler who has to get a new first communion outfit, because this is what she was planning to wear. Kim Kartrashian really does ruin everything.
Dlisted – Be Very Afraid