Moses and Apple Martin can say “I HATE YOU, GOOP!” in ten different languages and they can make a California Roll from scratch using the avocados in the garden of their Brentwood estate, but they still have nothing on BarronTrump. There’s an actual human being on Earth who can get his man servant to hold him high above so he can look down at Goopy Paltrow for being a poor peasant compared to him.
The most gorgeous Trump of all the Trumps, Melania Trump, told ABC News that her 7-year-old son loves wearing suits and he moisturizes with her caviar cream every single night. Barron Trump is just TOO fancy for us.
“He’s not a sweatpants child,” says Trump, 42, of her only child with her husband of eight years, Donald Trump, 66. “He doesn’t mind putting on [a suit]—but not every day— and he likes to dress up in a tie sometimes like Daddy.”
Trump tells ABC News that in addition to dressing her son nicely, she makes sure that he takes care of his skin, slathering him in her eponymous Caviar Complex C6 moisturizer after his nightly bath.
“It smells very, very fresh,” says the businesswoman, who launched the skincare line this week at Lord & Taylor. “I put it on him from head to toe. He likes it!”
So while Goopy and her kids are using caviar to make sushi, Barron Trump is smearing caviar all over her face like a true one percenter. Richie Rich, who?
And I’m just going to choose to believe that Donald Trump isn’t the father and Melania had a bareback love affair with her chef, because I refuse to believe that a piece of trash with a face like a pinched anus made Barron Trump.
BillMaher might have told the most expensive joke of all time!
The controversial comedian poked fun at Donald Trump and said he would donate million to the charity of his choice if he could prove he wasn’t birthed by orangutans.
Well the millionaire mogul whipped out his birth certificate to prove that he is indeed human, but when Bill didn’t cough up the dough, he did what he always does in these situations: he sued him!
Seriously. We can’t make this stuff up!!
It looks like the comedian is safe, as Trump has dropped the million lawsuit, but according to his special counsel Michael Cohen, it could eventually pop back up!
Bill has made a career out of making controversial jokes, but this time it looks like his monkey business could put a dent in his wallet!
J. Taikwok Yung is 33, lives with his mom in Brooklyn, and bought domainnames that criticize Donald Trump and The Apprentice. Apparently you can’t do that without being sued by DonaldTrump, a man who we thought would have bigger fish to fry at all times with how busy he is!
NOPE. He really is suing J. for 0,000 in “damages.” This is absurd!
J. fancies himself a hacker, and yet nothing he did was hacking, which actually is illegal. In fact, it just sounds like he beat Donald and his son Eric to the punch in registering domain names in 2007. This was right after Eric announced plans to build hotels and condos in southeast Asia: trumpindia.com, trumpbeijing.com, trumpmumbai.com and trumpabudhabi.com.
You’d think that the Trumps would be smart enough to register domains BEFORE they make announcements, right?? LOLz!
Anyway, the sites totes slam the billionaire and The Apprentice. Trump even offered J. 0 per domain name (how lavish!), which was promptly refused. Then, Trump took the case to the World Intellectual Property Organization, which ruled in his favor — J. then appealed, but the case was thrown out of court in Feb!
Here’s what J. had to say:
“This is a free country and I want to express my thoughts with these domain names. It’s hypocrisy. He promoted the art of the deal and doesn’t practice any of that.”
BURN.
Even though we feel like that was a technically correct thing to say, the Anticybersquatting Consumer Protection Act could now order him to pay 0,000 for each of the four offending domain names.
We wonder why Donald even bothers? Doesn’t he make that, like, every half hour? Offer the guy more than 0 bucks if you care so much and quit wasting the court’s time! Jeez!
You can’t backtrack now, Donald Trump! We all saw you tweet some Weezy lyrics!
LOLz!
So, Donald is claiming that his Twitter was hacked, because he’s ashamed of how big of a fan he is of Lil Wayne. We’re not sure why anyone would be ashamed of that — especially if you’ve already got a problem with the world thinking you’re not very cool! Ha!
At least when Howard has Donald Trump on the show, he’s not afraid to ask him bigger questions like this — so if DonaldTrump isn’t going away, then at least we can hear him for who he is (someone who should NEVER be President)! LOLz!
On Howard’s show, Donald was asked point blank about his support for gay marriage. Is anyone surprised that he HAS NO support for it??
Here’s what he said when he was asked:
“Well, I’m not. It’s never been an argument that’s been discussed with me very much. People know it’s not my thing, one way or the other.”
Boo.
Does anyone really think Donald is a key figure in our political history? We sure hope not! Especially with his frivolous lawsuits based on jokes! Ha!
When the talking fart bubble out of Jabba the Hutt’s ass known asDonaldTrump publicly told President Obama that he’d give million to the president’s charity of choice if the president produced his college records and shit, Bill Maher jokingly threw a proposition at Trump. On The Tonight Show last month, Bill Maher said that he’d give million to Trump’s charity of choice if Trump proved that his mother didn’t make him by screwing an orangutan bareback-style. Bill Maher basically said that Trump’s hair looks like an orangutan’s dirty ass, so he wouldn’t be surprised if his biological father was an ape. Makes sense to me!
Donald Trump says that he has coughed up a copy of his birth certificate that says he is the father of Fred Trump, a human person, and Bill Maher hasn’t paid up. So Trump filed a lawsuit in L.A. today to get that million. Trump queefed out this statement to Politco:
“I don’t know whether this case will be won or lost, but I felt a major obligation to bring it on behalf of the charities. Bill Maher made an unconditional offer while offer while on The Jay Leno Show and I, without hesitation, accepted his offer and provided him with the appropriate documentation. Prior demands for payment went ignored by Mr. Maher despite the fact that the beneficiaries of this suit will ultimately be the charities […] who would share equally the million — something I am certain they can desperately use.”
Trump wants to donate the money to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, American Cancer Society, Hurricane Sandy Victims, March of Dimes and the Police Athletic League. Trump also said on Fox & Friends this morning that he doesn’t think Bill Maher was joking when he made the bet. Trump’s lawyers couldn’t be reached for comment, because their mouths were otherwise occupied with the act of laughing at how he keeps throwing stupid money at them.
In related news, orangutans everywhere have filed a class action lawsuit against Bill Maher for defamation for saying that Donald Trump is part their species. Gloria Allred is representing them and they will win.
