And this…
And this…
David Beckham announced today that he is retiring from handling balls, professionally, and his bulge may never grace a field again. 38-year-old (which is CRUSTY ANCIENT OLD in sports years) said in a statement today that once his season with Paris Saint-Germain is over, he’s going to devote all of his time to selling his used jockstraps on eBay.
“[I am] thankful to PSG for giving me the opportunity to continue but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, playing at the highest level. If you had told me as a young boy I would have played for and won trophies with my boyhood club Manchester United, proudly captained and played for my country over one hundred times and lined up for some of the biggest clubs in the world, I would have told you it was a fantasy. I’m fortunate to have realized those dreams.
To this day, one of my proudest achievements is captaining my country. I knew every time I wore the Three Lions shirt, I was not only following in a long line of great players, I was also representing every fan that cared passionately about their country. I’m honored to represent England both on and off the pitch. … I want to thank all my teammates, the great managers that I had the pleasure of learning from. I also want to thank the fans who have all supported me and given me the strength to succeed.”
Becks may be retired, but the memory of his soccer field nipples, soccer field bulge and soccer field acts of homoeroticism will forever live on Google Images (and in a folder I keep on my desktop).
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Well Looking like the Ghost of Fame Whores Present, Kim Kartrashian walked into a frozen yogurt place in Sherman Oaks, CA yesterday and that tension you feel is from her bra using its last strength to hold up her two ton titty balls. Maybe it’s because I’m so used to seeing Kim looking like a pork sausage busting out of its leather casing, but titty trauma and face aside, this isn’t completely hurting my eyeballs. I mean, the good news is that she isn’t suffocating her bump with ten layers of Spanx and a leather skirt that’s tighter than Kanye’s b-hole after he got anal rejuvenation surgery the first time. If Kim continues to let her bump breathe, then maybe her publicity stunt baby won’t be born all elongated and with its eyes smushed shut, which I guess is a bad thing since then it’ll be able to clearly see who its parents are.
And replacing Botox with an all-natural replacement (aka Kanye’s ass syrup) is making Kim’s face morph back into its original state. She looks like a Saw puppet version of OctoMom.
In other Kartrashian news, TMZ says that Kim won’t be in court on the first day of her divorce war against Kris Humphries, because she has to whore out her new bottle of stank water in NYC. Kim’s lawyer tried to get the date moved from May 6th to May 3rd, but the judge denied her. Kim doesn’t have to be in court on the first day anyway. Kim is expected to testify on the second or third day of the trial, so that gives Pimp Mama Kris plenty of time to program a pre-written script of lies into her hard drive.
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Well It’s not often that you hear “zombies” and “politics” in the same sentence, but apparently there were some major issues keeping the two separate in the upcoming horror flick, World War Z!
In a recent interview, Brad Pitt, who stars in and produces the highly anticipated film, explained that they started shooting in hopes of exploring some new territory:
“At the time, I was really interested in a more political film, using the zombie trope as a kind of Trojan horse for asking, ‘What would happen to sociopolitical lines if there was a pandemic like this? Who would be on top? Who would be the powerful countries and who would be the most vulnerable?”
That definitely sounds interesting to us!
However, he went on to explain that it all began to be too much and it started taking away from what makes zombie movies so much fun in the first place:
“We wanted to really explore that, but it was just too much. We got bogged down in it; it was too much to explain. It gutted the fun of what these films are meant to be.”
Brad says that they ended up cutting several scenes and ditching some of the politics, but he still claims that this isn’t your grandpa’s zombie apocalypse movie!
With all of the reshoots and delays that have gone into making World War Z, it probably wasn’t a bad idea to just focus on getting the thing done!
Besides, everyone knows that brains are meant for eating in zombie flicks, not thinking! LOLz!
[Image via Paramount Pictures.]
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Zombies Or maybe that headline should be: Well, Now We Know What Kristen Bell And Dax Shepard’s Favorite Division Of Ford Motors Is.
Nine months ago, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard made a baby together while watching sloth porn (I’m guessing) and now that baby is here. Both Kristen and Dax tweeted the news today and slipped out the name they wrote on their first daughter’s birth certificate. Unfortunately, they didn’t write the name Slotherina Kickstarter.
Lincoln Bell Shepard. My brain has been sitting on that name for a good 40 minutes and I still don’t know what to think about it. When I say the name “Lincoln Bell Shepard” out loud, it feels like I’m taking attendance. Those are three last names! They should’ve named her Liberty Bell or Ringa Mai Bell. Missed opportunity.
Dax and Kristen are kind of crazy, so I’m guessing that they decided a long time ago to name their kid after the character the Oscar winner for Best Actor played. Lincoln should feel lucky, because if Hugh Jackman won, her name would’ve been Jean Valjean Bell Shepard.
via People
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Well In case you were wondering what Amanda Bynes has been up to ever since she was kicked out of her Manhattan apartment building for turning the place into a giant hotbox, this is what she’s been up to. Amanda’s been searching the forest for larva to stuff into her lips and she’s been pulling clumps of hair out of Barbie’s shower drain to make a wig.
Last night, Amanda brought the foolery on Twitter when she randomly dropped quotes about love and posted two pictures that look like the kind of pictures that the Rock of Love casting office got on a regular basis. What in Aubrey O’Day as a Hunts Point hooker hell is going on with Amanda Bynes? She looks like early days Lil Kim mashed with the worst parts (read: all parts) of Miley Cyrus. In that picture above, she looks like she’s checking her beauty after she fell face first into the bumper of a Tercel while running from the cops. These pictures are making me slowly fall to the floor, just like homegirl’s right eyelash.
Amanda has done a lot of crazy shit in the past, but if those clear Lee Press-on nails aren’t her loudest cry for help, I don’t know what is.
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Well Almost two years ago, a dark cloud covered the Enchanted Forest and all the woodland creatures cried for days after their favorite Jolly Ukrainian Giant and the golden child of Rosie Cotton and Ernest J. Keebler broke up. But the dark clouds have cleared up and the woodland creatures are farting up rainbow-colored hearts again, because 5’2″ Hayden Panettiere and 6’6″ Wladimir Klitschko are back together again.
The other day, that human mountain of rock hard hotness Wladimir worked a hard stick on the ocean while Hayden walked her dog (which I’m assuming is a teacup mouse dog since she can pick it up) near his condo in Hollywood, FL. People says that after Wladimir impressed dolphin activist Hayden by head butting a killer shark until it dropped a dolphin from its mouth, he took her to the Taco Beach Shack near his condo. A source says that Wladimir and Hayden had 8 mahi mahi tacos, a Coke and a margarita, and he left a tip on a bill. (Yes, the REAL story here is that they got 8 mahi mahi tacos, a coke and a margarita for only !)
Hayden and Wladimir have always been one of my favorite couples. Nothing pleases me more like picturing her climb up his hood rock of a body for a kiss the same way a tiny, adorable monkey climbs up a palm tree for a coconut. When they take a shower together and she accidentally slips down the drain, he can scoop her out with his pinky finger. Hayden has to stretch for at least 4 hours and they have to use Pilates equipment when they try to 69. I am not ashamed to admit that I love their Jolly Green Giant and Little Sprout union. But I am really ashamed to admit that: a) I watch Nashville and; b) Hayden’s my favorite thing about Nashville.
I felt an ugly kind of shame when I clicked “buy” after the iTunes pop-box asked me something like, “You are about to download the song ‘Love Like Mine,’ are you sure?“
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