A thick cloud of oil-based paint fumes, burnt silicone, charred polyester, hairspray and shamelessness swept through Manhattan yesterday, because all of the tricks, tramps and whores from Bravo were in NYC for the Upfronts. Falkor Rimes’ greatest enemy Brandi Glanville took the whole meaning of “Upfronts” to another level by putting her titties under the spotlight. While Gerard Butler’s peen is squinting at this picture and wondering why it feels like it’s seen those chichis before, LeAnn Rimes is copying this look by gluing red-dyed doilies to her plastic chest globes. She’s going to wear that outfit to her stepson’s t-ball game this weekend.
Seeing all the Housewives in the same place together makes me wonder why Bravo hasn’t put all these wrecks in the same show together. They should throw every Housewife in a giant bus and send them across the country. They probably wouldn’t make it ten miles, because they’d all stab each other to death with their clavicle bones while fighting to plug their curling irons into the only outlet in the only bathroom. Greenlight it, Andy!
Here’s just some of the hos at last night’s Upfronts: Falkor enemy #1, Cynthia Bailey from RHoA, NeNe from RHoA (looking like a Mayan cheerleader from the 20s), Kroy with a talking wig, Gorilla Head Giudice from RHoNJ, a human Pinot Grigio bottle from RHoNY, Kenya Moore from RHoA, a lipoed hamster in drag, Joanna Krupa from RHoM, Yolanda with Lisa from RHoBH, Phaedra Parks from RHoA and the messes from Shahs of Sunset.
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yesterday Another day, another set of messy pictures of Kim Kardashian looking like she wants us all to forget that she’s got a ticket to relevancy growing in her womb.
After having lunch at Fred Segal in West Hollywood with the mutant Muppet we all know as Robin Antin, Kim teetered through the parking lot and you can practically hear the muffled cries from her nipple slits as they try to gasp for air. That top is stretched more than her face is and it looks like her titties are choking and trying to find the nearest exit. Those titties need an oxygen mask and a pep talk.
Bitch looks like a rotten and deflated blueberry that has given up on its will to go on. And ho’s face is telling a different color story than her body is. Either her live-in car painter forgot to spray her body down with orange paint or that extra tight shit is cutting off her circulation.
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yesterday File this under: Another metaphor for The Difficult Brown’s life.
Four years ago, Chris Brown smashed RiRi’s face into a car door the night before the Grammys and on this year’s Grammy Eve, he smashed his Porsche’s face into a wall. No lady faces were hurt this time. So that means Chris Brown is growing, right?
TMZ, The Los Angeles Times, Radar and everybody else says that Chris Brown was driving his Porsche to the Debbie Allen Dance Academy for the Symphonic Love Foundation event in L.A. yesterday when he claims two paparazzos cut him off, causing him to lose control and crash into a wall in an alley. The Difficult Brown’s Porsche was totaled and his spokeswhore blamed it all on the paparazzi. But the owner of one photo agency tells TMZ that the paparazzi showed up to the scene after The Difficult Brown crashed his Porsche and no photographers were chasing him. The owner said that they weren’t the reason why Chris Brown crashed his Porsche. So if the paparazzi aren’t to blame, who is? My guess is that Chris Brown caught his Porsche peeping at his phone, so he really showed it by smashing its face into the wall.
And as Frank Ocean quietly cackles at the fact that Chris Brown has one less car to park in his parking space, Team Breezy is probably trying to make the hashtag #theporschedeservedit happen on Twitter.
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yesterday Playgrounds, Chuck E. Cheeses and the ball pit at McDonald’s are all empty today, because a million Beliebers were hospitalized for dehydration after they drooled out all of the water in their system from looking at The Lesbeaver’s 18-year-old ass crack. UsWeekly says that Justin Bieber “accidentally” (read: bitch meant to do it) posted Usher’s new iPhone wallpaper on Instagram yesterday. It didn’t take long before everyone realized that it wasn’t a picture straight from the IHOP menu. It was a picture of the Biebs’ Canadian pancake ass. The Biebs deleted it a few minutes after he posted it, but no thanks to the “right click save” function, it now lives on the internet forever.
If you really need to see the uncensored version, then give me a few minutes to call the emergency room to let them know to have a squirt bottle of retina Clorox, a Braille trainer and an Exorcist on standby, because you might need them all. Brace yourself and CLICK!
In other Bieb news, his mom Pattie Mallette is executive producing a pro-life short film starring the Doritos Lady. Patti said in a statement that she hopes her anti-abortion movie will “encourage young women all over the world, just like me, to let them know that there is a place to go, people who will take care of you and a safe home to live in if you are pregnant and think you have nowhere else to turn.“
You know, I don’t think Pattie needs to release her anti-abortion movie now that Justin Bieber has Instagrammed his ass. Just one look at that picture and your baby-making parts will shrivel up and retire forever.
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yesterday Patrick Bateman’s bloody corpse is lying on Lindsay Lohan’s driveway today, because he turned the chainsaw on himself after losing his psychotic mind from listening to hear dribble out fake excuse after fake excuse for why she didn’t show up to work. Hollywood’s forever employee of the month was supposed to show up to a studio to do work on that straight-to-public access, soft-core porn movie The Canyons, and when she didn’t punch her time card in, Bret Easton Ellis left her the above note on Twitter. I know, can you believe that Lindsay Lohan is an ungrateful, unreliable piece of back alley trash mess? I don’t believe it! Next, you’re going to tell me that those pictures of Robert Pattinson licking Rupert Sanders’ dried saliva off of Kristen Stewart’s lips aren’t one hundred percent natural and staged. What to believe!
The last time Lindsay Lohan didn’t show up to a job, she blamed it on “walking pneumonia.” I wonder what she’ll blame it on this time? I’m going to put half of my chips on “Ah I had 24-hour cancer!” and the other half of my chips on “Ah I fell into a secret portal in my wardrobe, traveled to a different world and had to battle the White Witch!” (aka took too much Special K)
I didn’t know what ADR stood for, so I looked it up and apparently it’s just dialogue dubbing. Why did they need the real Lindsay Lohan to do voice dubbing for Lindsay Lohan? They should’ve just ran outside and pulled some 50-something homeless hobo off the street. Then they should’ve made him chain smoke crushed nails rolled in sandpaper and inject lidocaine into his tongue until he got Lindsay Lohan’s signature slur down. The hobo would’ve done a better job and the sound guys wouldn’t have to worry about their watches getting stolen.
Here’s the consummate professional casing a jewelry store in Beverly Hills the other day.
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yesterday PHG: “Smell my finger.”
Tiny boy: “I know where it’s been and no thank you.”
When 6-year-old Alex Logan (above with PHG) met Prince Hot Ginge at the WellChild Awards in London yesterday afternoon, he wondered what we’d all wonder if we ever met his ginger hotness outside of a Las Vegas hotel suite: Why isn’t he so drunk that he’s sweating out vodka drops? Why aren’t there paid whores doing lines of coke around him? Why are his spicy peanut nipples covered?
Before meeting PHG, little Alex Logan told ITV News that he was going to speak for NONE OF US by saying: “I’m glad you’ve got your clothes on Prince Harry.” But since Alex has a little Dennis the Menace thing going on, PHG knew he was going to get hit with some mischief and before the boy let out that joke, he said this: “You keep looking up at your mum. It looks like you’re dying to say something but you’re worried she’ll tell you off. I heard you were on ITV earlier and you said something cheeky – but let’s not talk about that here.”
That was a cold move, ruining a sick child’s joke like that! I think that’s almost worse than PHG covering up his Flaming Hot Cheeto Puff while some immoral slut took grainy pictures of his naked ass in that Vegas hotel suite. PHG can make it up to all of us by putting his ginger crotch jewels on display for the public at the Tower of London. They don’t even have to change the exhibit’s title: The World Famous Crown Jewels of England!
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